The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt
by MissehKeehl
Summary: Matt was sick and tired of always being in the sidelines, a shadow of Mello; hell, not even considered a main character! So, within this collection of one-shots, let's follow Matt's journey from zero to hero, in which crack-fic situations is a must.
1. It's Jeevas, Mail Jeevas

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**Me: BWAHAHAHA! *thunder and lightning flashes behind me***

**Matt: WTF WHERE AM I?**

**Me: WELCOME, CHILD. MEET YOUR DOOOOOMMMM!!!! Your doom, meet Matt...lol.... ^^**

**Matt: Dear god, not another story. I'm doing the disclaimers, aren't I?**

**Me: YES! Hello, everyone, and welcome to a little thing I like to call _The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt, _a collection of one-shots by multiple authors in which Matt is the center of it all. Matt, DO THE HONORS! ^^**

**Matt: *sighs* Misseh doesn't own Death Note or its characters. Any and all other one-shots NOT by her will be labeled; all credit of separate one-shots go to thier original authors.**

**Me: Thanks! ^^ Let's now begin the journey into crack-dom...have a cookie ready. We start with introducing this all with a one-shot I made, where Matt's mission to search for chocolate goes horribly wrong. xD  
**

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**It's Jeevas. Mail Jeevas.**

**Original Author: MissehKeehl (me! ^^)**

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Charizard was _so _kicking ass right now. Venusaur didn't stand a chance; I almost felt bad for it.

"Time to put you out of your misery," I mumbled, completely in gaming mode. Yes, I talk to myself. But I'm nothing compared to Im-a-gay, and _everyone _knows it. You know it, your children will know it, and your children's children will know about how Light laughed like a seal for a full minute for nothing to only get totally owned by Matsuda. And don't get me started on Mika-

"OH MY GODIVA! MATT, GET YOUR ASS UP IN HERE, YO!"

_Ugh…what does he want now?_

I unwillingly paused my game, walking over to the said chocolate addict's room, where I found him wide eyed in the center of the floor.

"Uh…there a problem?"

"THERE AIN'T ANY CHOCOLATE, FOO!"

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "First of all, you quite the mafia weeks ago, so stop acting like you need to be 'gangsta', since it's not impressing anyone. Second, why don't you go buy more chocolate? It's not the end of the world."

"Y'ALL GOTTA BE SMOKIN' SOMMIN', HOMIE, IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA BUY MY OWN CHOCOLATE. GO GET IT. NOW."

When Mello asks you to get chocolate, one of two things are expected to happen: You get it, no questions asked, or you can refuse, in which he will proceed to tear your nads off and feed them to a pack of hungry gerbils.

I happen to like my balls, thank you very much. Oh, wait, that sounded-

"STOP DAYDREAMING!" Mello shouted, proceeding to grab anything solid or relatively pointed from his desk to throw at me. Like the great Sonic himself, I dashed for the door before he discovered the stapler conveniently placed next to the mouse pad.

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C.V.S. was just a few blocks from the crappy apartment we were living in, so I decided to walk. It's not like I've been outside or anything in the last few days…*coughWEEKScough*….for exercise, so I guess it would be good for me.

Besides, I don't want my arms to jiggle violently whenever I play the Wii. So, walking is my friend.

On the other hand….GameStop was only half a block further from C.V.S…..

I quickened my pace towards GameStop, passing C.V.S. when I heard some cries from down an alleyway I passed by. Walking in reverse, I peered into the darkness to see three guys surrounding what looked like a defenseless girl.

_Oh yeah, Super-Matt to the rescue. They won't know what hit them, _I thought, sneaking up slowly behind them. When I was finally got close enough, I knocked the guys' heads together hard, and they fell limp to the floor.

"Are you okay?" I asked the girl, her blonde hair coming over her eyes. She wore what looked like a pink Lolita dress, frills around all the edges.

_Man, it's like Mello with boobs…_

The girl bent her head forward, covering her face with more hair. She suddenly leapt forward, hugging me around the waist as a silent "thank you."

"U-Uh, hey, you're welcome. Anybody would do it, right?"

The girl pressed her face rather cutely into my shirt, and then suddenly took off running, flailing her hands in the air as she dashed.

Something small, square and checkered was in her hand, and my pocket felt suddenly lighter.

_Ah, shit…_

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"H-Hey! Get back here!" I shouted breathlessly. I had been chasing this damned mystery girl for ten minutes now, and I'm beginning to lose recognition of where I was. The girl turned a sharp corner into yet another alleyway, but stopped dead in her tracks when it turned out to be a dead end.

"I've….got….*wheeze*…you now!" I said, leaning against the wall for support. The girl stayed with her back to me, staring down the brick wall ahead of her as though she expected it to spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Hey! Give me back my wallet, thief!" She didn't respond and only inched closer to the wall, mumbling incoherently to herself. I walked slowly towards her, trying to see exactly what she was doing.

"HEE-HEE-HEE!" she cackled suddenly, her voice unnaturally high-pitched. She suddenly dove into the wall, taking my precious wallet with-

Wait. _She dove into the wall._

I blinked twice to make sure what I had seen was real. I ran towards the wall, just inches from its surface. I tentatively moved my hand towards it…

…and it went right through.

_ZOMG WTF BBQ?!_

I lost my balance and fell through the strangely permeable wall, landing face-first in what seemed to be grass. I sat up slowly, rubbing my head, and looked up just in time to see a flash of pink run past me.

"Y-You! Get back here youuuu…ah whatever it's useless telling her to stop. It's not like anyone does anyway," I moped, standing up and brushing myself off.

_Where the hell am I, anyway? Some other dimension?_

I turned in circles to get a good look around when I spotted something in the distance. It looked like some huge, upscale building, almost like…a school.

_So that's where she ran to, _I thought, jogging my way towards the structure.

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Sneaking into the school was easy; after all, the security guards were all too busy having tea and using 100 dollar bills as napkins and coasters.

_Damn rich people with too much time on their hands, _I thought, climbing up and over the back fence. All the students wore some weird uniform, signifying that this definitely was a school. All the boys wore blue suede jackets with an emblem on them, and the girl wore long, flowing yellow dresses.

Wait a sec…who gives a shit?

I waltzed right into the front entrance of the school and sauntered down the hallways, trying to act as natural as possible while looking for anyone in a pink frilly dress. As I wandered through the school, I found the hallways to be less and less populated until I finally reached what seemed to be the end of the building, where I was completely alone. To my right, I noticed a strange double door labeled Music Room 3.

_Huh…wonder if maybe anyone's in here…_

I cautiously turned the handle, opening the door a crack….

To be attacked by flower petals.

"GAHH! I'M ALLERGIC! PFFFFTTTT!" I spat, swatting my hands in front of my now swelling face. I stumbled blindly into the room, falling at the feet of a group of handsome young students.

Pedophile alert.

"Hello, and welcome to the Host Club!" some blonde guy greeted me, pulling me up to my feet. "We've been expecting you, my princesssssuuhhhhh I mean prince…? I'm terribly sorry, but we don't usually get the gays too often. Still, allow us to attend to your every desire!"

"I'm not gay! Where the hell am I?!" I shouted, my eyes slowly swelling shut. A tiny blonde with a rabbit in hand ran up to me and hugged me around the waist.

"This is Ouran Academy, Tomato-chan!" he said between giggles. _What's an elementary kid doing here? And wait a minute…Tomato-chan?!_

"I don't want your services, I was just looking for someone!" I shouted, wiggling out of the smaller blonde's grasp.

The taller blonde guy put a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…you don't seem like a student here, hence the lack of a uniform….GASP! BE YOU A COMMONER?!" he shouted, pointing a finger at me dramatically.

"Common-what?! Look, buddy, I just need to get out of here," I said, turning for the door when the blonde guy somehow teleported in front of me.

"Worry not, commoner! I see you need advice and help, and by the goodness of the amazing Instant Coffee, we, the Host Club, shall help you!" he said with a princely grin, sparkles coming out of his hand as he stretched it out to me.

Yeah, that isn't gay. Completely heterosexual sparkles.

_Fine. Maybe I'll use these guys to get that little witch who stole my wallet. That tall, silent-looking guy has some muscle to take her down, I bet, _I schemed, looking around at this "Host Club" through swollen eyelids. I finally gave a short nod, earning smiles from all the club members.

"Perfect! To communicate commoner-talk with you, I shall bring in Haruhi, who is one himself! Haruhi, come hither!"

_Huh?_

The said Haruhi came forward, an annoyed look on his face. Or should I say…

"That's a girl," I interrupted, pointing at Haruhi. _Even with a swollen face I can tell the difference; I'm no idiot!_

All the members looked at each other with wide eyes before glaring at me.

"HOST CLUB MEMBERS, UNITE!" the tall blonde shouted, and for absolutely no reason, they all began morphing into transformers.

_Kill me now._

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So, here's how the whole "transforming Host Club" worked out.

I freaked out, jumped out the third story window, and fell into some bushes. I am now running for my life while they proceed to shoot at me.

Again, _please, _will someone, ANYONE kill me now!

I had run two laps already around the perimeter of the school when I felt something vibrate in my back pocket (and I know what you're thinking. I AM NOT NEAR, OKAY?! I don't do those things….anymore). I reached inside the pocket and pulled out my cell phone, never being happier to have it.

"YO, HOME-SKILLET."

"_M-Mello! You've got to help me! There's some crazy mofos shooting at me and-_"

"YOU'RE AT THE ARCADE, AREN'T YOU? THIS AIN'T NO TIME TO BE PLAYING GAMES!"

"B-But Mello…!"

"GET ME MY CHOCOLATE, BITCH."

With that, Mello hung up, leaving me stranded on the other line. I quickly turned a sharp corner when I bumped into someone familiar.

"HEHE….ow," she mumbled, still giggling uncontrollably for no reason. She shot up swiftly, taking off again, with me right behind her.

The girl ran into what looked like a maze-like garden, and I had to be careful to make each move exactly as she did. One wrong turn, and who knows how long I'd be trapped in here with the Mighty Gay Rangers.

The girl made a last right turn and dove into what looked to be a gazebo, hiding under the table with her hands on her head.

"Give me back my wallet, _now. _Then, tell me what the hell is going on and how the hell I got here!" I demanded, crouching down to her level under the table.

"…..HEHEHEHE!" she giggled, grabbing my wrist and pulling forward, smothering me in her chest.

"MMMPH!" I cried, flailing my arms in a panic. _I don't want to die through boob-induced suffocation! _

I felt a sudden shift in angle, and before I knew it, I got the sense we were falling.

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The girl released her grip, placing her palm over most of her face and waving at me before diving headfirst into the air.

_Diving headfirst…_huh…..

"AAABQDEFUDJGUUUU WE'RE SKYDIVING?!" I screamed, turning uncontrollably in the air. I shut my eyes, clasping my hands together in silent prayer, when I fell with a _thud _in something soft.

"…H-Huh?" I stuttered, entangled in some sheets. I gripped tightly to the fabric, looking around to see where she had led me _this _time. I followed the clothes liner I seemed to have landed on to a building it seemed to be connected to.

_What a weird building, _I thought, admiring the crude design. I looked all the way down to the building's base, expecting to see concrete, as any normal person would. Instead, I saw what looked to be metal feet, and the huge structure was _moving._

"WHOA! Where the hell am I?!" I yelled in panic. I gripped onto the clothes line and began making my way towards the castle-like structure, yearning to feel solidity after the little "Surprise! You're flying to your doom!" incident.

After I finally touched on a solid surface, I began shuffling towards an open window; breaking and entering like it was child's play. And it was, technically; but I'm not going to dwell on my days in juvenile correction.

Moving on….

As I heaved myself through the window, I found myself to be in a poorly kept bathroom. The place reeked of dog shit and rotten eggs that were _wayyyy _overdue….

….or me on Bath Day….

"Ugh, does anyone ever clean the place?" I mumbled; palm over the bottom half of my face. I held my breathe as I tiptoed through the room, reaching for the rusty door handle, when someone opened it for me first.

And old woman stood in front of me, wide eyed with a mop in hand. "Who are you?"

"Uh….I'm Matt, and I was just dropping in. S-Sorry for intruding."

"….You don't happen to be a _witch, _do you? Or that horrible _Witch of the Waste _in disguise, are you?!" she demanded, pointing her broomstick at me viciously.

"…What? No, I'm not a witch, crazy hag. Do you mind letting me through?" I mumbled, pushing past her and dashing down the steps.

"HOWL!" she shouted. "THERE'S AN INTRU-"

"I already know, Sophie," said a voice, and before I knew it some blonde guy in a sissy cape stood in front of me.

"ZOMG MELLO?! I didn't know you led a double-life!" I said in shock, pointing an accusing finger at this guy named Howl. He narrowed his eyes slightly, pushing my hand away from his face.

"Tell me, are you by any chance a wi-"

"What the hell is with everyone and witches? Do I _look _like I fly around on a broomstick?!"

"I-I'm offended! That's such a common stereotype! I'll have you know we don't do that as much as everyone believes."

"Oh really? Then just what do you do, Wolfy?"

"I turn into a bird man!" he said proudly, swishing his cape extravagantly.

"….Right."

I stood awkwardly in silence when I heard faint giggles from outside the door.

"…hehe….heHE….HEHEHEHEHEHE!"

"Shit! That's her!" I said, turning towards Howl with a smirk. I swiftly grabbed a piece of flaming firewood from the (talking?! Really?) fire and pressed it against half his face.

"GWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"COSPLAY PROPERLY! YOU DISGRACE MELLO'S NAME!" I shouted happily, running out the door. I watched as some sort of multicolored dial turned multiple times, until it finally landed on the color black. I threw the door open, finding the lady in pink I was after, but with a catch.

"HEHEHE!" she giggled, throwing her arms around me and leaning back. We fell into complete darkness, no idea where we were going or if it would be my last little adventure in weird dimensions. I lost consciousness as I passed out in the arms of my captor, fading into darkness.

_They better have fucking Mario in heaven…_

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"Captain…! Captain….!" I heard someone faintly shouting at me. My shoulders shook as I opened my eyes cautiously, groaning as bright light hit my corneas like An overwhelming flood.

"Ugh….Where the hell am I now?"

"There's no time, Captain! You must hurry onto deck!"

_Deck…? What, I'm a pirate, now? B-But…Ninjas FTW!_

"Uh, s-sorry. But I don't know where I am!" I said, rubbing my head. I could see more clearly now, and I was looking as what seemed to be three people in plain, single-colored shirts. They wore some sort of emblem pin on their shirts, but I couldn't see exactly what it was. Peering around, I noticed what seemed to be an entire room filled with futuristic technology, and it was made obvious I definitely wasn't on a dingy old pirate ship.

"Captain, are you feeling alright? We are in a dire situation!" one of the people addressed me, a look of worry on her face. "A strange woman boarded our ship in a giggling fit somehow and intruded. Before she arrived, you went missing. She carried you in her arms, however, and claimed she saved you, Captain Kirk! It seems she prevented you from dying from a strange death involving red dye, which I suppose explains your hair," she said breathlessly, pulling at my arm for me to stand up.

_Oh God, don't tell me I'm on the-_

"Captain Kirk, the U.S.S. Enterprise is under fire from the Romulans!"

_Crap._

My "subordinates" pushed me towards the deck, leading me to see a huge holographic screen where all of space was before me.

"What are your orders, Captain?" another of the people asked as the ship trembled from another attack.

"Erm…to be honest, I don't really know….," I murmured, earning shrieks and gasps from my crew. I turned my attention to the screen, the huge Romulan ship now in view.

_On the other hand, if I'm skipping from dimension to dimension, I might as well have some fun…_

Smiling wildly, I pushed one of the shirted guys out of my way, taking the main controls. "C-Captain! What are you doing?"

_I have always wanted to do this…_

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I shot back, earning a confused look.

"I'M FIRIN' MAH LAZORSSSS!!!!!"

_Fuck. Yeah, _I thought, pressing all the buttons at once.

That is, that was the last thing I thought before I felt something hard hit me on the back on the head, knocking me out cold yet again.

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I groaned as I felt my cheek pressed against something cold and hard, dust invading my nostrils every time I breathed in. Coughing, I sat up, blinking twice to see what dimension I may have landed in. I felt relief and pure happiness flood over me as I actually _recognized _where I was.

"I…this is the same alleyway! I'M BACK, BITCHES!" I shouted joyfully, fist-pumping the air. I stopped my celebration as I saw two pink ballet flats step before me, the owner obviously being that of the little annoying thief.

"So, you plan on giving me back that wallet?" I said through gritted teeth. I still didn't make a move, though, from fear she'd start running, and I'd have to do all this crap again.

"HEHEE."

"Is that all you can say?!"

"HEHEHEHEHE!"

"I'll take that as a 'I'm retarded'."

"HEHE….HEEEEE!!!" she said in an annoyed tone, glaring down at me. She took out my wallet and tossed it from palm to palm, turning on her heels to walk away, just like that.

"W-Wait! At least tell me how you did all that crazy shit!"

"HEE."

"Why did you steal my wallet in the first place?!"

"HEE."

I balled my hands into fists. _She thinks she can get away with this?! Well, a lot of crazy happenings caused the problem…so maybe a crazy solution will solve it!_

"Hey, you!" I called after her, standing up with a smug smile.

"HEE?"

"Before you go, I have to say something."

"HEHE?"

"Ummm……You just lost the game!" **(1)**

A look of horror overcame the girl's face, or at least what I saw through those bangs. She dropped the wallet and began to tremble, clutching her own shaking shoulders.

"I'M MELTINGGGG!!!!" she screeched out, shrinking by the moment. I grimaced as her features became more and more distorted, and when she had disappeared, her remains somehow solidified into a single bar of Hershey's chocolate.

I walked over and picked it up, flipping it over a few times. _How convenient…all this crazy shit and my reward happens to be just what Mello wanted. I can practically __**taste **__the irony._

I sighed deeply as I waltzed out of that alleyway, whistling to myself as though nothing had happened. Normalcy is the word, I believe.

…Or at least this is how I was until I got home.

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"MELLO!" I yelled, throwing the door open to his room and nearly yanking it off its hinges. "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT CRAZY CRAP JUST HA-"

"DID YOU GET MY CHOCOLATE, MAN-BITCH?" he yelled back, cutting me off. I grinded my teeth together in impatience as I threw a mushy Hershey's to him.

"Yeah, here. It melted on the way home. Anyway, about what happened-"

"THIS IS MELTED CHOCOLATE, FOOL!"

"…Yeah; any more epiphanies, Captain Obvious, or can I continue what I had to say?!"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT YO THUG STORIES. YOU DIDN'T GET ME GOOD CHOCOLATE, SO GO PISS OFF, HAMBURGLER!"

I felt something inside of me literally explode. After all I did for this little piece of work, he doesn't even say thank you, much less give a damn about the torture I went through for his stupid pleasures!

"…_You know what, Mello? SUCK MY 12 INCH OSCAR MAYER WEINER!"_ I yelled, slamming the door behind me.

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Mello leaned back in his chair with satisfaction after Matt's little rampage. "You don't need to tell me twice, Matt," he mumbled, eyeing a pink outfit tucked away neatly in a corner.

_Heh…That'll teach him to try and avoid his chocolate-retrieving duties for GameStop._

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**(1) AND SO HAVE ALL OF YOU! MWAHAHAHA! Lol don't hurt me, blame Matt!**

**Matt: WTF.  
**


	2. Wrong Movie

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**Disclaimer: FranFictionx does not own Death Note or its characters.**

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**Wrong Movie.**

**Original Author: Franfictionx . Any and all credit goes to her.  
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It was dark. Maybe a little too dark for Matt's liking.

He tried to sit comfortably in his seat, and set the bag of popcorn neatly on his lap. It wasn't his fault he was this awkward. Wammy's didn't let them out that often and ever since he joined up with Mello and became his right-hand man, he didn't have time to have fun. This was his first time in a movie theater.

He squinted at the screen through his orange tinted goggles. He had been sitting through a countless number of boring commercials and strange yodeling music. He was slowly growing impatient.

"JUST START THE GODDAMN MOVIE ALREADY." Matt yelled from his seat.

An old lady that was sitting in front of him turned around. "Shush your mouth, little boy."

Matt just smirked and popped a piece of popcorn into his mouth.

And suddenly, someone from the heavens came down into the movie theater and finally started the movie.

Music started playing, and a logo, resembling a bronze trophy, came up onto the screen. Spotlights, set on both sides of the trophy, shined on the logo.

_That's some really good graphic effects right there. Better than Pokemon._ Matt thought, eyes glued to the screen.

A few seconds later, a mammoth, a sloth, and a sabertooth tiger popped up onto the screen. "....What the hell?" Matt was confused. He put his bag of popcorn on the floor and stood up.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING HARRY POTTER."

The old lady turned around, frowning. "Sit down little boy, you are very disruptive."

Matt, feeling quite embarrassed about his sudden outburst, sat back down on his seat. He took a handful of popcorn and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Omnomnomnom," he chewed the buttery goodness like a pig.

The old lady turned around. "Little boy, please chew your food more quietly and pay attention to the movie,"

"'Kay." Matt replied, swallowing down his popcorn. He looked back at the large movie screen and continued to watch the movie.

"I'm pregnant," said one of the mammoths.

_LOL THE FLUFFY ELEPHANT IS PREGNANT. _Matt grinned, still chewing like a pig.

A few minutes later, Matt was asleep. And snoring. And talking in his sleep.

"....Mello....gently....not too hard....ugh....that feels nice..."

The old lady twitched, trying her best to pay attention to the movie. _Nasty little boy._

Matt's eyes popped open and he stood back up. "I DREAMED THAT MELLO GAVE ME A MASSAGE." he announced.

"Shut up, I don't care!" someone yelled from across the theater.

Matt started fuming, and he picked up his bag of popcorn. He threw it towards the voice, heard the thud of the bag hitting something, and heard a different voice mutter. "Ow,"

_Whoops, wrong person._

Someone stood up and he didn't look very happy. He was short and dressed in all-white clothing. He had silver hair, black eyes, and pale skin. He was rubbing his head and glaring at Matt.

"Sorry dude- HEY. You're... Far, or something, aren't you?" Matt yelled.

The rest of the people in the theater groaned. "Get this retard out of here!" someone shouted.

"Yeah." Near's hand trailed to his seat and he picked up a toy robot. He began to cradle it in his arms.

"MELLO TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SUCK." Matt screamed back, roaring with laughter.

Near's eyes narrowed and he slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out a walkie-talkie. He brought the walkie-talkie to his mouth and started mumbling into it.

Matt looked in confusion at him and sat back down. Suddenly, a group of security guards marched in.

"I wonder who's in trouble." Matt sneered. Little did he know, it was him.

The security guards approached Matt and grabbed him by the arms, catching him off-guard.

"W-wait, what's going on?!" Matt yelled, flailing his arms. Near stood there, watching, giving Matt what almost looked like an evil smile.

The whole movie theater clapped and applauded as Matt was dragged out of the movie theater by Near's personal security guards.


	3. Gameboy Trouble

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**Jadee: LOL, this is an entry for MissehKeehl's **_**The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt. **_**Which are basically Matt crack-fics.**

**Livv: Awwh I'm not in this one. *sulk***

**Jadee: Neither am I. *sulk***

**Matt: I am yay =D**

***glares***

**Matt: I-i'm sorry ): Jadee doesn't own Death Note or Pokémon.**

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**Gameboy Trouble**

**(GAH Sorry Jadee you didn't give it a specific title, so I just chose a random one. I'll Rename it if needed!)**

**Original Author: DeathNoteSQUEAL . Any and all credit goes to her.**

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Matt pressed furiously at the buttons on the Gameboy Advanced.

_FUCKING...STUPID...GEODUDE_

Mello was fast asleep on the chair with chocolate drool dribbling down his chin.

_I love Mello like that. So kinky._

_

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_**Matt: I don't think that at all _**

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**

'Your faggot of a Geodude was defeated. SexiMatt whited out. LOL fail.'

"STUPID FUCKING POKÉMON GAME! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE."

He threw the Gameboy away. A soft plop was heard.

"DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF BY FALLING ONTO THE BED."

'Bitch, you threw me here.'

"YOU'RE A GAMEBOY YOU CAN'T FUCKING TALK"

'What do you think I'm doing now? Playing suduko?'

"That's a good idea."

Matt skipped to the cupboards and pulled out a lot of magazines. He grabbed the _Chat_ magazine and turned to the back with Suduko.

* * *

It had been 3 hours and there was 3 numbers in the boxes.

Well, one box had 56, the other had -484573, the last box had a small doodle of Mello in a bunny costume. So it wasn't really a number...

ANYWAY Matt had fallen asleep an hour ago.

* * *

Matt opened his eyes.

_I'm blind...I can't see a hacking thing._

The Pokémon game theme tune rung in his ears.

I CHOOSE YOU MATTCUM

_Mattcum?_

A sudden light blinded poor defenceless Matt. And he was facing a Pikachu.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

'MrMihealChoclat sent out his Mattcum.'

"THE FUCK"

'Mattcum used Water Gun'

"MELLO YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WATER IS USELESS AGAINST ELECTRICITY."

'Not much effect. LOLfail.'

_why the fuck did I get a game that loves to insult you?!_

'Pikachu used Thundershock. You're mofo ass is gonna burn.'

Matt felt electric bolts enter his body. And not in the sexual way.

His body made a violent shudder.

'LOL MrMihealChoclat, your Mattcum failed. And now you blacked out. Before you did that, Pikachu pissed in your face and took your wallet.'

* * *

"MATT WAKE UP YOU LAZY ASS PIECE OF SHIT!"

Matt rolled over.

"Your game sucks anally!"

A DS was flung at Matt. The screen read.

'Shhhh, Mello doesn't need to know a thing. [; If you can be quiet, Ima give you secksy yaoi rape."

0____________0

* * *

**Matt: What the actual fuck Jade?**

**Jadee: Sorry for the no updates on my other story and shit, but Friday I was having a drunken party, Saturday we all crashed at my house, Sunday is no working day for me.**

**And today I had to do this =D**

**Livv: Stupid excuses.**

**Mello: So anyway, here you go Misseh, a story for your Matt collection.**

***Everyone look at Matt who is obviously still in shock after reading this.***


	4. Mail Jeevas VS Mello's Gun

**Mail Jeevas VS. Mello's Gun**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy!!!  
**

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Seiren's Special Note to Readers: Matt is supposed to be a little evil in this chapter. Even super heroes have their bad days. : )

Seiren's Disclaimer: Alas and alack, Death Note's copyrights I do lack. Oh, um, crap.

**~Mail Jeevas Versus Mello's Gun~  
(with Special Guest: The SPK)**

Matt heaved a massive sigh, settling down into a nearby chair with a solid thump. He hurled Mello's handgun to the floor, where it landed with a loud, highly satisfying _**THUNK**_. The venerated gamer then proceeded to sit there and glare resentfully at the small silver weapon.

Mello's gun didn't care.

Matt's glare darkened behind his corrective lenses significantly, his upper lip curling into a half snarl, half sneer, his slender, shapely eyebrows tilting diabolically while his hate-filled eyes burned fiendishly beneath them. He clenched his gloved hands, tearing deep scars in the arms of the helpless chair. A deep, low rumble built slowly in Wammy's Third's throat, and the shadows in the room seemed convulse, swirling around him and welcoming him for what he was, a form of mortal who only made up 4% of the population of earth, a man who disliked the outside's light, darkness in human guise.

Mello's gun still didn't care.

The chair, however, decided that it had had enough.

One of the badly abused legs (tooth marks? Bad Matty!), collapsed without warning, sending its striped occupant headfirst into the wall behind him. The resulting dull thud and yowl.

"OW! Shit!" echoed loudly through the deserted apartment. Matt froze immediately, surveying the surrounding area to assure himself that none had witnessed his indignity. The gamer extricated himself from the ruins of the chair, glanced around once more, and then turned and gave it a vicious kick. The chair took up a new occupation—as kindling.

Matt gave a self-satisfied nod and turned sharply on his heel, the dirt and dust of the carpet kicking up flamboyantly around him. He was on his way out of the door, until he tripped over the former object of his contemplation. He turned back and stared at the gun, and then picked it up with another weary sigh. He settled down once again, this time on the floor. All of the furniture was out to get him…

Matt further examined the weapon. The trigger was stuck, well and proper. It was not, of course, his fault. The drama of the scene had required him to play around with the empty gun without his gloves having been properly wiped of lighter fluid. That, of course, had resulted in all of the fluid and other nasty gunk on said gloves drying—and thus becoming a rigid adhesive that shared most of the properties of super glue, though without the drying paint smell. The gamer took a deep breath and set about top solving the problem.

First, he placed one hand on the handle and the other's fingers upon the insulting limb of the gun. He flexed his arms impressively and began to pull, his taut muscles rippling, teeth clenching, and eyes squeezing shut with effort.

Absolutely nothing happened.

Matt swore softly to himself. He hated cleaning up his own messes! Someone else should do this for him! …But there was no way in hell that he was letting anyone else touch Mello's gun—not even Mello himself at this point. So he would do this on his own.

The gamer swiftly wedged the handle of the gun in the bedroom door and then dragged as strongly as he could upon the trigger. Once again—nothing happened.

Matt let loose an enraged shriek, scaring one of the poor innocent people passing by his apartment door halfway to death. While it made him feel much better, it did nothing to solve his problem. He thought for a moment, and then ran to the main door, drew it open, reached out, and snatched a hyperventilating passerby by the scruff of the neck.

"You..." he hissed softly, pausing for dramatic effect. The passerby squeaked a reply.

"M...M... M-me?" The poor man looked ready to wet himself, but Matt didn't care. On the other hand, perhaps he did... It would get on his nice shiny one-of-a-kind pair of boots. He sneered.

"Yes. You. I have a job for you." He paused once again for dramatic effect. "Get me..." Another pause. "Liquid nitrogen." He considered inserting a wicked cackle, but then decided that it would be too cheesy and Kefka-ish. Besides, the passerby was already sprinting down the hallway.

Matt strode back into his room, looking quite pleased with himself. He had decimated one piece of furniture, terrified a neighbor, and was rapidly on his way to solving the dilemma of Mello's gun. Life was good, he decided, picking the stubborn weapon up off of the bedroom floor and heading into the bathroom. He crouched down next to his tub and clicked the drain shut, and then gently laid the small weapon into the large bathing apparatus.

A timid rap on the front door, signifying the random neighbor (let's call him Steve)'s return with the liquid nitrogen, drew his attention. Matt pivoted slowly and tiptoed over to the door, then crouched down next to it, waiting. Just as the tapping started again, the gamer flung the door open with such force that it cracked against the wall and loomed dramatically over the terrified Steve, his teeth bared in a snarl and his gloved hands tensed into frightening, monster-like claws.

"**WHAT!"** Matt bellowed. Steve's hair was blown back by the force of the redhead's roar, and, too frightened to speak, the poor Steve gestured frantically to the icy canister next to him while gibbering incoherently.

This, of course, made Matt very happy. Deciding to give the poor Steve a break, the redhead shooed the traumatized Steve off with one hand, grabbing the handle on the nitrogen tub with the other and hauling it inside. The gamer dragged it over to the bathtub, pausing for a moment to examine the situation. Reaching over, Matt gingerly plucked the gun out of the tub, deciding to dip the gun into the nitrogen rather than pour the nitrogen over it, in order to avoid damaging the grip. He set it on the floor next to the tub and reached back, grabbing the canister of deadly liquid and dragging it up to the rim. Matt lifted the entire container off of the ground and tipped its contents into the tub, moving with exact precision and catlike grace. After making sure that the last drops of the ominously steaming liquid had been leaked into the basin, Matt carefully tilted the canister upright again.

Until he dropped it on his foot.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure that we've all heard the term 'swearing fit to blister the paint off the walls'. While this is usually taken to be a highly exaggerated and greatly overrated hyperbolic phrase, it is said that the walls of Matt and Mello's bathroom were, after that day, a startlingly inexplicable shade of paint-less, and that the local garbage collector spent nearly an hour speculating as to why the community dumpster was stuffed with what appeared to be a large amount of charred paint peelings.

But moving on.

After having vocally made his displeasure apparent, Matt decided that more violent measures were required to fully vent his ire. After all, wreaking one's decor—while highly satisfying—was far to bloodless for his taste. Why bother having a temper tantrum if there was no one around to be terrified by it...?

Matt pivoted and snatched up the large mental jug, heaving it over his shoulder and stomp-limping towards the single, heavily curtained window that graced the living room. He ripped said curtains open violently, taking a secret delight in the noise of expensive cloth rending. Matt poked his head out of the window, searching the pedestrians below until he located a likely looking victim. After a few moments of calculation, he withdrew his head, closed the window, hefted the giant metal jug, and smashed it ferociously through the glass. Once the unfortunate capsule had made its exit, Matt stuck his head back out of the now pane-less window, watching with glee as it landed neatly and with a resounding _**CLANG**_ on one of the many pedestrian below. He resisted the urge to cackle at the sight of the other passersby running around frantically, some trying to pry the man out from under the canister and others fleeing the area.

Matt decided that he should keep a stock of large, preferably metal, objects stacked by the window so that he would have a handy supply when Mello irked him up enough or when he needed target practice. Or just for when she was bored. The thought cheered him immensely.

The gamer turned and strode arrogantly back into his bathroom, feeling fully optimistic about the upcoming confrontation with his friend's irksome weapon. He strutted into the now colorless tiled interior, dust from the previous section of flooring billowing behind him as he kicked the door shut with one foot, the force of his stomp nearly cracking the frame. He paused for a moment, surveying the situation, before taking a large, confident step towards the tub, reaching out to grasp the gun with his left hand—

Imagine his surprise when he was jerked back violently, the corner of her specially-made, dry clean only fuzzy tan vest that had caught in the door arresting his momentum sharply and causing his feet to skid out from beneath him on the slick tile floor. The next few moments seemed to take place in slow motion for the master video game champion;

the nitrogen-filled tub approaching his face at a highly alarming rate—

his grasping hand catching on the shower curtain, checking his fall moments before a fatal plunge into a tub of -364 F liquid—

his awkward, left handed-hold on a shower curtain located to his right causing his body to twist about—

his right hand flailing wildly for a moment before his elbow painfully whacked the rim of the tub—

and his body finishing its 180, leaving the back of his head hovering inches above the basin of liquid death.

Matt remained frozen for several moments, barely daring to breathe for fear of loosing his tenuous grip on the shower curtain. He cautiously leaned forwards, tilting his torso inch by inch until his head was well out of danger. He sat on the floor for a moment, weak with relief that he was still Mail Jeevas, and not the large chunk of ice formerly known as Mail Jeevas. Once ascertaining that he was unhurt, and taking several moments to breath in that wheezy, squeaky, 'oh my god I can't believe that just happened' manner that often follows near-death experiences or conversations with Mello, the redhead promptly shrugged off the incident and leaped to his feet. The moment he was standing, however, he noticed three very odd sensations—that, in his opinion, he really shouldn't be experiencing.

One; his head felt strangely heavy, as if there was a large block of ice glued to the back of his skull.

Two; his neck felt very, very cold above his vest collar—once again, a feeling that reminded him of having a large block of ice glued to the back of his skull.

Three; there was a decided lack of hair brushing about the back of his neck.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, remember that a person often encounters many situations where having well taken care for and prided in hair can be both a jinx and detrimental to one's health. Thus, any person who takes the time to style, maintain, and protect such hair must be both extremely fond and extremely proud of it.

Thus the earsplitting scream that reverberated through the whole city of LA, and then some.

**~oOo~**

Matt faced Mello, Near, and the rest of the SPK, his hands clenching the haft of Mello's gun as he glowered desperately at them.

"**Stop that,** dammit!" he bellowed at the group of five, his left eye twitching spasmodically in his ire. "It's not funny!"

Mello had collapsed and was laughing with the group, clutching his stomach at the sight of his best friend.

"I said **STOP**!" the gamer roared, sure that once he let the full extent of his rage known three out of five of them would return to their normal patheticly dumb selves. He was cordially ignored.

The tall blond had propped himself up on his desk, bent over double as he gasped for breath between wheezes of laughter. The blonde woman was screeching with delight, the high sound grating Matt's nerves. The black-haired man was rolling on the floor, laughing, gasping, and making movements with his hands that spoke of Matt.

The gamer glanced around frantically, trying to find something to lessen the humiliation of the sight of his shiny hair frozen into a rigid, slightly steaming chunk sticking out at a rigid angle. His goggled eyes settled on the last member of the group in a sort of desperate plea, sure that the stoic, white-clothed teen was too serious to find humor in such an incident—

—only to have his hopes and his dignity shattered at the sight of the L-successor's face. His teeth were sunk into his bottom lip, his face contorted in a heroic attempt to avoid joining the rest of the group in hysterics. Once he noticed Matt's horrified expression was directed at him, however, all was lost, and the normally unfeeling Near buckled over, choking with silent laughter.

Matt let loose an enraged snarl and fled, unable to bear the embarrassment any longer.

"Just you watch Mello, I'll-" The full effect of the threat, bellowed over his shoulder, was utterly lost as his turned head caused the awkward chunk of ice that had once been one of his pride and joys to clang loudly against a very inconveniently placed metal wall, the pointy tip of the block snapping off with a resounding ping.

Silence fell for a moment, everyone staring, only to begin laughing twice as hard all over again at the cherry-red faced gamer and his ungainly block of hair.

Matt decided on a long vacation in Death Valley.


	5. The Stupid Game and the Cocky Gamer

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**The Stupid Game and the Cocky Gamer.**

**Original Author: Josephine_Falnor . Any and all credit goes to her. ^^  
**

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello!!! I'm so happy Misseh invited me to do this! Matt really doesn't get the appreciation he deserves. Of course, I'm not alone here today. Since Misseh, ahem, ran into a little trouble regarding her treatment of certain disclaiming people, I'm going to be taking them in for now. They're living in my basement. So, ah, wait a moment, I'll go get them.**_

_**Me(JF): Audience, Matt and Mello are here to do the disclaimer!**_

_**Mello: Why the hell do I have to be here? This is Matt's stupid story…**_

_**JF: Because I'm protecting you and feeding you chocolate. Also, the audience expects it, I believe.**_

_**Matt: And it wouldn't be fair to make me do this by myself Mells!!**_

_**JF: Yup, that's right!! **_

_**Mello: *grumbles something that won't be repeated***_

_**JF: The faster you get done, the faster you can get back to the chocolate! ^_^**_

_**Mello: Fine…**_

_**Matt and Mello: Josephine owns absolutely nothing here!**_

_**Matt: Especially the game. She is SO far off from actually having created Harry Potter or the game. If she had, she certainly wouldn't be here right now. **_

_**JF: -_- Thanks a lot Matt…keep it up and I'll hide the PS2.**_

_**Matt: No please!! I'll be good!!**_

_**JF: Alright then!! Don't worry, I wouldn't be that mean! Alright, on with the story! I hope you all enjoy it!**_

_**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**_

A Stupid Game and a Cocky Gamer

"Waaaaahhh?!?!?!" Matt exclaimed excitedly, finding something he'd never thought he'd find.

He was at the local Game Stop, looking through their ancient PC games, trying to find something good. He spent most of his time and money there, so he tried to buy discounted items whenever he could.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone _for PC_? How can this possibly have been here so long with no one buying it?" he asked himself out loud, pulling the game out of the stack and turning it over in his hands.

Checking the price, he saw it was discounted way under his budget, leaving him with money to spare.

'Could this be anymore perfect?' he asked himself, heading to the counter and buying it.

"You'll have to let me know how it goes." Said the clerk who was ringing it up. "I've heard it's nearly impossible to beat the last level or so."

Matt grinned. "I'm a master of games. Of course I'll be able to beat it." He said, his voice full of confidence. "I'll be back next week to gloat." He added, taking the bag that held his precious, new game.

When he got back to the apartment, he immediately went to his room, got the game out, and put it in his laptop. He started the installation process, but even after all he did to make his computer run faster, it still took 15 minutes before he could get to the menu.

"Man, old games really do take forever to run." He said, sighing slightly as he watched the installation number slowly inch its way toward 100.

"Matt, what the hell are you doing?" said an irritated voice.

The gamer turned to see Mello standing behind him, looking exasperated as he always did when a new game was brought home.

"Hey Mello!! Listen, I got this great new game that I've been trying to get for ages and I didn't even know that was possible to find and-" he talked excitedly, stopping when he noticed that Mello's mood wasn't improving.

"Just don't let it interfere with your work." The blond grumbled, leaving the room, muttering something under his breath about "waste of f***ing time" as he closed the door.

'Too bad; his loss.' Matt thought, waiting for the installing number to go up from 98 to 100. "Mello! You really need a hobby! Games aren't as bad as you think they are!" he yelled at the door before turning back to the screen.

He watched closely, knowing that any second, the game would be on his computer and he'd be playing away, proving those people wrong that said it was indeed possible to beat, if you were skilled enough.

Eight minutes passed without him moving, his eyes glued to the screen. "C'mon, just a little more, you can do it!" he mumbled at his computer, trying to encourage it. 'It'll just take a minute. It's an old game. This is reasonable.' He worked to convince himself.

His efforts were in vain, as thirty seconds later, the screen went black. "NO!" he yelled, jumping up as writing appeared on the screen, informing him that there was a problem with the computer and it was going to shut down. "You were so close, _so close_!" he whispered, almost whimpering from the mental pain of losing all that time installing.

After giving the computer a few minutes, he turned it back on and let it start running while he turned on extra cooling fans to keep the computer from heating up too much. After changing a few settings, he tried installing the game again. "Ugh, this'll take forever…" he groaned, pulling out a cigarette, placing it between his lips, and lighting it. Leaning back in his chair, he inhaled as he watched as the screen display the installation screen.

"Why is it loading so fast this time?" he mumbled, watching the numbers climbing to 83. Sitting up a bit, he watched closely, counting along. "87, 88, 89…90, 91, 92……." The seconds dragged on and he couldn't help but worry it would get stuck at 98 again. Suddenly, it jumped to 96. "97, 98, c'mon stupid computer, _work._" He muttered, watching closely. After a few seconds, the number went up to 99, then 100. "YES!!" Matt cheered, watching as the game asked if he wanted a desktop shortcut. After finishing the rest of the process, his computer automatically took him to the menu for the game.

Matt was poised, ready to start as he clicked the game start option. Selecting a save spot, he watched as the game began, explaining the background of the story. He already knew what was happening, as he'd read the book before, but he still watched, happy that he'd managed to get the game to start.

After the five minute long intro, he was finally able to play. It was easy enough to figure out the controls; arrow buttons to move, shift and alt to jump and cast spells. It didn't take the gamer long to work his way through the early part of the game. "Haha, I can't believe he said this would be hard!" he laughed, finishing yet another spell lesson.

However, his victory was short lived, as his computer crashed again. "Damn it!" He yelled. "I hadn't saved in forever!"

Matt resisted the urge to kick the computer as he frantically took the game out of the disk drive and cleaned it, hoping it would work better.

"Matt? What in the hell happened?" Mello said, rushing into the room.

The red head turned in his chair, knowing Mello wouldn't be happy with his reason for freaking out. "Uh, it was nothing…just um, game problems…" he said, smiling cautiously.

Mello bit his tongue, determined not to lose his temper. After all, he had to have Matt there since he was better at computer hacking, and if he went crazy every time video games were mentioned, what would stop Matt from leaving?

After glaring at the gamer for a moment, the blond left, deciding it would be best to not say anything at all.

Matt let out a sigh, glad to have escaped Mello's rage that time. 'Doesn't he realize he'd be less stressed all the time if he had a hobby or something?' he thought, turning back to the computer. It took him a minute, but he was able to get the game up and running again so he could continue from his last save point.

It all went well from there. He managed to past the majority of the game in about two and a half hours without his computer shutting down again. Finally, he'd gotten to the final save point before his battle with Quirrell, then Voldemort.

"Haha, now to prove you wrong." He muttered, an image of the store clerk looming in his mind.

Entering the final stage, Matt felt the tension rising, as he always did whenever he was close to ending a game. The first half was easy enough, getting past the Professor, but once Voldemort finally showed up, he discovered the clerk hadn't been kidding.

The first part was to knock pillars down on the final boss, but after the pillars ran out, the real trouble started.

"Damn it, no…move _faster!_" Matt muttered over and over, dodging several deadly spells that were sent his way. Every spell he shot at the evil wizard didn't do anything.

The gamer swore loudly as he died and was returned to the start of the boss fight. "Alright, this'll work. I know what to expect this time…" he mumbled as he started again. Five minutes later, he had died again.

The frustration built as he proceeded to lose seventeen more times, each loss more irritating than the one before it. Cries of "die already!" could be heard by anyone near the gamer's lair.

At last, on attempt #19, Matt managed to get further then he had. Voldemort was down to only a few centimeters of life in the health bar. All he had to do was hurt him one more time…

The red head froze when a small notice showed up on his computer, right over the game. It read that windows had encountered a problem, which was forcing it to shut down, or something like that. Matt stared in horror as the screen went blank, all traces of the game he'd almost won disappearing like that. Sure, he could reload it and start the level over again, but that was _not_ the _point_. The fact of the matter was that he'd almost beat the game, before his computer decided to betray him entirely.

The gamer stared silently at the black screen for several minutes before turning the computer on again. Once he was able to, he pressed the button that ejected the disk and took it out before shutting the equipment off again.

Putting the disk in its box, he set it down on the floor and stared at it. "No way…I'm not going through that again…" he said, his breathing changing from the quiet anger. Pulling his gun out, he took aim at the game and fired, putting a hole through the center of the case.

"Haha!! You get what you deserve for defying me!! Aha ha ha ha ha!!!" he laughed maniacally, staring at the cracked plastic.

Mello ran in for the third time that day and looking back and forth between the crazed Matt and the dead game, debated saying anything. Still, he couldn't help himself.

"It didn't go so well, I'm guessing?" he asked, trying not to smirk, knowing he was right.

"Ah ha…no, the stupid game kept killing my computer…" Matt said, calming down a bit, the adrenalin no longer rushing through him like it had been. "Just laugh…I know you want to…" he added, resigning himself to his fate.

"I'm not going to laugh, but I do have a question." Mello said, looking more serious then Matt thought he should.

"Really? Sure, what's the question?" the gamer asked, surprised he'd be getting off so easily.

"After how much you just freaked out over one little game, despite the fact that you have a high level of patience for games, do you _really_ think that games would be a good hobby for me?" The blond asked, smirking.

Matt considered Mello's bad temper for a moment. "Fine, they wouldn't. Actually, it might be deadly if you play a game, so yeah…just stay away from them." He finally said, unable to deny that the blond had a point.

"Perfect…" Mello muttered, genuinely glad that he wouldn't be subjected to any more suggestions about him and games, leaving the room.

Matt looked back down at the game and sighed. "So much for getting a refund…stupid, defective game…" he mumbled, picking it up and tossing it in the trash.

"As if that wasn't bad enough, now I have to find a new game store." He realized, knowing he'd never be able to show his face there again since he would have to admit defeat.

Sitting back down at his computer, a new thought crossed his mind.

"…I wonder if I can get the Chamber of Secrets?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_**Ending Author's Note: Ah, so, an explanation is in order. My brother and I got this game for Christmas several years ago. It frequently gave the computer problems, but we played anyways. Even now, after playing the game for years, we still have yet to beat the final level, despite the fact that my brother beats most every game he plays. So, if you've never played this game, it's very good, but this is sort of the experience I had with it. ^_^**_


	6. Gone Through the Wind

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Gone Through the Wind**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Thanks so much, and enjoy! xD  
**

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**Seiren's Special Note to Readers: Watch the Weather Channel once in awhile. That's where this (admittedly stupid) idea came from.**

**Seiren's Disclaimer: **

**Matt: *singing horribly off-key to Barney theme* They create, you  
review, they don't own so we don't sue...**

**Mello: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!**

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~Gone Through the Wind~**

It was a blustery, hot day in Los Angeles, a day that promised a storm in the not too far off distance. Already the wind speeds were reaching up and beyond 60 mph, and yet there were many people down on the streets, braving the storm, or… well, living there.

Up on the rooftop of a high building full of places such as a nail salon, fancy restaurants, a Barnes & Noble, etc etc, stood two very familiar figures.

Matt stared at Mello. The man couldn't possibly be serious…it was obvious he was a little, if not a lot, tipsy, and not in the best frame of mind. The video game champion took a deep breath, attempting to gain control of the situation.

"So to sum things up, you want me to abandon all care, take off my vest and goggles, jump off of this four-story high building, and try… to fly."

Mello nodded eagerly, rubbing his hands together in delight.

"Yeah, that's right. You're light enough, the wind should be able to take you at least a block before gently setting you down."

"Wait a moment." Matt interrupted suddenly, taking a deep breath and lifting one hand to cover his face with a large sigh. "Let's backtrack, okay? _**SHOULD**_. As in, not _**WILL**_. Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law, Mello? You want me to jump off this roof with that hanging over my head?"

Mello stared blankly at him. "Yeaaaaah, that is the general idea. You jump off the roof and fly."

Matt took a deep breath, his left eyelid beginning to spasm violently. "What happens, if –say—**it doesn't work**?" he bellowed at the blond, snatching the hand covering his face down so that Mello could feel the full extent of the gamer's ire.

Mello paused abruptly in his gleeful crowing, head coming up and brow furrowing as if that possibility had never occurred to him.

"You'll fall, I suppose. Stop being childish Matt- you can handle it."

Matt peered dubiously over the rooftop and stared into the massive plaza that the building was a part of. Below, hundreds of pedestrians scurried back and forth, like a bunch of little ants just begging for a malicious 7-year-old with a magnifying glass to come and fry them. It looked like an awfully long way down to him… The gamer gave in to Mello's persistent badgering with a sigh, then stripped off his vest and goggles, allowing a momentary loss of sight due to extreme brightness, causing a moan of pain and a rubbing of the temples. With a last sullen glance over his shoulder and a mutter of, "If I die, it'll be all your fault," he launched himself off the rooftop and into the empty airspace beyond.

It was euphoria. Matt smirked softly to himself. Perhaps this hadn't been such a bad idea after all… The feeling of weightlessness, being carried from one soft gust of air to the other, was the closest that he supposed one like him would ever get to heaven. He could just stay like that forever, caring about nothing, bothered by nothing, all alone in his own peaceful world…

Or at least, he could have, had Murphy not seen enough and decided to put his law into effect.

The peace was shattered abruptly as Matt let loose a blood curdling "Yaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii!" and went plummeting to the ground below. The young man wind milled his arms frantically about him in a last-ditch attempt to save himself from a humiliating death as a splatter upon the toes of sandaled pedestrians. He was yanked abruptly out of his headlong descent as one of his hands caught on a large purple curtain that cloaked the large windows of Barnes & Noble to promote the latest House of Night novel release.

Matt clung on with all his might, desperately clawing his way up the plush velvet as his legs kicked uselessly in the air behind him. He began to swear loudly, bellowing insults at Mello and God and Navi and Edward and anything else that he could think of at the moment at the top of his lungs.

Then the drapes ripped.

Matt froze in horror at the telltale sound of fabric rending, and then bounced down the wall for the seven yards remaining between him and the floor. His last thought before passing out was, _God, the press are going to have a field day with this…_

Mello peered owlishly over the railing, biting a Milky Way in bemusement and watching as his friend's prone form was quickly surrounded by curiously whispering people with melting ice cream cones.

"That's odd… I was sure that he could fly in this weather…"

The freakish blond wandered off down the fire escape, muttering to himself.

"Eh whatever. There's always next time…."

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**Author Note from Misseh: Lol I don't know why, but I just like the idea of Matt flying. And Mello was just priceless. Anyway, thanks for listening to me drabble. xD**


	7. A Final Fantasy Encounter

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**A Final Fantasy Encounter**

**Original Author: Usagi_Uchiha . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy!! xD  
**

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_**Me: Hey guess who is trying out a Matt crack fic to be posted on MissehKeehl's DN story, "The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt"? That's right! Me! That is if I don't get lazy or play more video games.**_

_Matt: What are you talking about Uchiha? I rather you play those awesome video games instead of putting me through god knows what._

_**Me: Sorry but I really want to do this! Muahahahahahah!**_

_Matt: -sighs- Uchiha here doesn't own Death Note nor the game characters that appear in this fic. -plays Big Brain Academy-_

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_**A Final Fantasy Encounter by Usagi Uchiha: A Death Note Matt crack fic**_

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[Bling Bling Beep!] Matt's DS responded back to him as he was listening to Final Fantasy Advent Children in the background. " Man, I love this game!" Matt said as he giggled as he beat another Pokemon. He had all three versions of the ones for the DS but he currently was playing the Diamond version.

"Aww man! Another stupid Ekans again! Forget this!" said Matt as he flipped the switch of the DS. Too bad he forgot to save the game. "Oh shoot! I forgot to save! Gosh darnit!" He threw the DS across the room and it hit Mello's door. A muffled shout could be heard on the other side of the door.

"Matt! It's you that needs anger management, not me!" said Mello as he threw out that insult.

" Yeah I'll go to anger management when I see pigs fly !" Matt shouted back as he got the thought of Mello-like pig flying in the sky. Matt gave a short snort as he tried to get that image out of his head. "What are you doing anyway?" Matt asked as he lazily walked over to retrieve the DS.

"Like you would want to know. Okay...I am painting my toenails.........." Mello said quite embarrassed.

Matt just shuddered as he heard Mello's reply. "Let's just say that I didn't hear that" He then picked up the DS but the DS wouldn't turn on when Matt hit the switch.

"What? It's broken? Darn!" Matt then looked at the shut door of Mello's room. "Uh Mello! I'm going outside to buy a new DS. Do you want some chocolate at Walgreens or somethin' ?" As Matt didn't get a reply, he started to head out.

'_**Take a deep breath! You can do this!**_' Matt thought to himself as he hasn't been outside for a month. '_**Here I go!**_' He bravely stepped outside and climbed down the stairs to the sidewalk. '_**I made it!**_' Matt then did a victory dance. '_**Yes,yes,yes! I'm awesome!**_' he thought as he wheezed and huffed down the sidewalk.

'_**Wait! I forgot to make a map!**_' he suddenly thought as he started to spazz and hyperventilate. Suddenly his vision swirled as a light purple haze clouded his sight. "Wait! What's going on? Hey.........................." he then suddenly stopped talking as he was flooded with darkness.

------------------------------

_**Location: ??????????????**_

------------------------------

"Cloud...........Cloud..........wake up! Wake up Cloud!" Matt suddenly opened his eyes and shot out of the bed that someone had put him on. Matt was still dizzy but he tried to make out the person who called him Cloud. His vision then cleared as he took his goggles off from his eyes and put the goggles back on the top of his head. Let's just say he didn't like who he saw when his vision cleared.

"You! You are Kiyome Takada!" said Matt incredulously as he stepped back and made a X with his two index fingers. "Get back! You made me get killed in the Anime and in the Manga! You are evil, Eeeeeviiilll!" Matt cried as he tried to make a run for it.

"Hold on! Who's this Kiyome Takada? I am the great ninja Yuffie!" It was sort of true since Kiyome Takada was wearing a Yuffie Kirasagi outfit. Was it cosplay or what it the real deal? "Cloud, are you sure you are all right? That DS landing on your head might have been to much?" she asked with concern.

Matt snorted again and eyed the Yuffie cosplayer. "Maybe it's you that the DS fell on" he replied with sarcasm as he searched his pocket for a cigarette. After searching for a bit, he found that they were gone.

"WTF? Where are my cigs?" Matt was seeing red and I don't mean his red hair. His vision turned into a crimson furry as he was one step away from getting some Shingami eyes but that's another story.

"Those things? I pawned them off for some Materia" said Takada matter of factly. "Besides, you don't smoke, Cloud" she said as a treasure chest full of Materia shined in the corner of the room.

'_** I think Takada has finally snapped**_' Matt thought as he tried to escape the room. As he pulled the heavy door, Takada called out. "Cloud! Make sure you come back with Materia!" She then waved good-bye.

'_**Yeah sure, crazy woman**_' Matt then pulled his goggles over his eyes again as he walked outside. "So where am I?" he said as he scanned the outside of the house and the surrounding area. The sky was filled with bright stars as it showed the passing of day into night. There was grayish cliffs in the distance with a few canyons to spice up the deserted wasteland that Matt was currently in.

"Man......This place sucks" He then turned around to find that the whole place looked like the first description but suddenly he spotted Mello's motor cycle laying against the side of the house that Matt had just existed. Matt decided to walk over to it but he kept his distance as he tried to process on what Mello's motor cycle was doing there.

"That means maybe Mello's here" he said as he looked all around for the chocolate eating blond but he was nowhere to be found.

"I guess not........." Matt said as a sudden wind had picked up, causing him to shudder but something else had made him jump. [.Whap.] Matt was alarmed when a bluish black colored cape brushed against his bare arm. Wait...........Bare arm? Matt, absolutely horrified, looked over to his left arm and gave off a loud and girlish scream. He was wearing a Cloud Strife costume and it took him this long to figure that out. Even his goggles were different.

"What, so I am not that observant......." he said to himself as he went to the motor cycle and circled around it, looking for the keys in the process. Matt knew he couldn't stick around as his sanity was slowly slipping away here, not to mention the crazy Kiyome that was located just inside the house that he just came from.

Matt then found the keys in the ignition as he got up onto the leather seat and turned them to the right. With a loud Vrrooom!, the motor cycle started and Matt drove away onto an old road.

-------------------------------

_**Location: ????????????**_

-------------------------------

The same landscape could be seen for miles and miles of the side of the road and it was starting to bug Matt. "It's bad enough that I am stuck in this Cloud Strife costume" he muttered as he looked at the ridiculous outfit that he was currently wearing. He then drove pass a destroyed church and saw three suspicious people hanging around there.

"Might as well see what's going on" he said as he made the motor cycle go in reverse and the headed towards the broken down church. What he found there however did not make Matt happy.

" I wonder where Mother is?" asked Gevanni who was dressed in a Kadaj outfit. The others who were with him was Linder who was dressed in a Yazoo outfit and Rester who was dressed in a Loz outfit. All three of them were loitering around, waiting for someone and that someone was Matt who was dressed like Cloud.

'The SPK members?' was all Matt could think about before the three SPK members noticed him and started to circle him.

"Well,well. Look who it is brothers! Our big brother has finally come to find us!" said Gevanni as he placed a gloved hand on Matt's shoulder. Apparently, no one was safe when it came to this weird and crazy place. Matt just shook his head in frustration and confusion.

"Look it may seem that I am in a Cloud Strife costume but I am not a hero. My name is Matt. Besides, Linder there is not a guy so why do you guys call yourselves brothers?" asked Matt as he looked at them in disbelief as he took his goggles off his eyes again and put them around his neck.

"Who's this Linder?" asked 'Yazoo' as she(he?) titled her(his) head at a 65 degree angle and pulled out a magic gun.

"Looks like Big brother's Geostigma has gone to his head" proclaimed 'Gevanni' as he pulled out a silver colored katana. "Maybe a fight might refresh his memory? He then might tell us where Mother is." He then pointed it towards Matt.

"Yeah yeah!" said 'Rester' stupidly as he pulled out a sharp edged electro shocker and also pointed it towards Matt as drooled went down his face.

Matt started to back away. "Listen, I am not your big brother and I don't know who this Mother is. Good bye!" He then started to run towards Mello's motor cycle and hopped on. Good thing that the three SPK members didn't have their motor bikes with them at this time so Matt escaped the broken church and the three SPK members, driving away on to the old road again.

"Don't worry, he'll come back" said 'Gevanni' as he smirked and walked out of the broken church with other two following suit. "There's no way outta here, that's for sure".

---------------------------------------------

_**Location: ????????????????????**_

---------------------------------------------

Still the same pattern in the landscape was apparent but Matt desperately wanted a change in scenery as his head was filled with thoughts about what was happening to him and what he was finding. '_**Ok everyone I have met up with so far has gone insane and somethin' tells me that if I meet anyone else, they will think I am Cloud and start to act strange. So basically, I am doomed**_' he thought as he spotted a blimp flying in the nighttime sky.

'_**How can they see in this darkness. They don't have any light's on. Pbbft! Light's ahahahahahah! Light**_' he laughed as the blimp suddenly took a sharp turn and lowered itself to Matt as Matt stopped the motor cycle.

"Hey! Watch it buddy!" said Matt as he shook his fist at the blimp as it almost hit him on his right side of Mello's motor cycle. The blimp then heeded to Matt's words and gently landed right by Matt. The blimp's door latched open with smoke clouding Matt's vision and a person started to come out of the blimp. Who the person was shocked Matt beyond belief. There, in the smoke clouded platform of the blimp, stood Mello in a Cid Highwind outfit.

'_**Mello? Is that you?**_' Matt asked to himself in disbelief as 'Cid' made his way over to where Matt was standing. As he got a few feet in front of Matt he called out to him. "Oi Cloud! Get your butt over 'ere! Everyone's waitin'!" said 'Cid' as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, making him inhale some of the smoke.

'_**They even got Mello? What the heck's going on here?**_' Matt thought as he dumbfoundedly walked over to 'Cid'. He then got motioned by 'Cid' to come aboard the blimp and while Matt passed 'Cid', 'Cid' replied, "Aint she a beaut! This 'ere's my Shera. Named it after Shera maself". Matt just shook his head as he replied back. "Yeah sure........ So who's all here then?" Matt asked as he scanned the inside of the blimp.

His eye caught the three people who were resting against the siding looking out of the blimp's window. Matt couldn't believe his eyes as Naomi was dressed in a Tifa Lockheart outfit, that Rod Ross was dressed in a Barret costume, and that L was dressed in a Vincent Valentine outfit. 'Yuffie' was also located among them. Matt just stood in shock as he saw that they even got L. '_**They even got him. Wait...... who are 'they' that I am referring too?**_' he asked himself as 'Tifa' noticed Matt's presence.

"Cloud!" she exclaimed as she ran over to him and gave him a bone crushing hug. "Ok mister! I have been calling you on the phone but you never pick up! Dilly Dally Shilly Shally!" said 'Tifa' as she backed up so the others could see Matt. Matt, however, just stared at L. '_**They got him too.........**_' He couldn't believe it! Who was doing this was taking this joke a little bit too far!

"What's with that face,Cloud?" asked 'Vincent' silently as he swooshed his cape and then turned his attention back towards the window. Apparently, he didn't like this place either but that was 'Vincent' for you.

"Yo Spiky! We were just heading to Shinra's hospitality center out in the booneys. Apparently, they want to talk to us". 'Barret' said this as he held on to a picture of 'Marelene' which was in turn a picture of Sayu dressed like Marlene.

'_**Might as well go there**_' thought Matt as 'Cid' came into the mainframe and sat down into the pilot seat. With a few clicks and changes in gears, the blimp took to the sky and flew off into the distance.

-------------------------------------------------

_**Location: Shinra's place out in the booneys**_

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'_**Man! This landscape never changes**_' said Matt as he peered out of the blimps' window for the 100th time. No matter where he went, the landscape was the same. It would seem someone made this place to bug Matt but let's not go there right now, shall we? '_**Why is everyone acting this way, I wonder if they got Light if they got L but the real question is that, why is this happening to me? It's not like I asked for it. I am not a ex-solder and I am defiantly not a hero............**_' he trailed off as he saw the metallic silver building in the distance.

--------------------

_**A little bit earlier**_

--------------------

"Oh really? Well maybe you might tell us if you see what I have in my hand" said 'Kadaj' as he threw two ID cards onto the ground with a light clack. The people who were on the ID cards were Misa dressed like Elena and Mikami who was dressed like Tsung. The two were some of Shinra's lackeys that did his dirty work. There was four, however, as the other two were laying on the ground, knocked out.

As 'Shinra' saw these, he replied, "I am sorry but I really don't know where Jenova is, Kadaj. You will just have to trust me on that".

'Kadaj' just got angry and started to head out, with 'Yazoo' and 'Loz'. "Let just say if you are hiding Mother, I will come back to this place. Do you hear me?" he threatened as he walked out of the place with his 'brothers tagging along behind him. After they were gone, the two other lackeys picked themselves up and stood by 'Shinra'.

"Well it looks like I did half of my role already. Come Cloud, where are you?"

-----------------------------------

_**Back to the present**_

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As the blimp lowered itself down onto the ground once again, the platform had latched opened and Matt along with the others who were on the blimp, followed him into the building. Matt noticed how dusty it was due to a battle that took place minutes before his arrival. A sudden voice made him jump though.

"Welcome, Cloud." Matt turned just in time to see a cloaked person sitting in a wheel chair with two body guards that were right by his side. One was placed at his left side while the other one was at his right side. What got Matt was that the two bodyguards were Matsuda and Mogi who were dressed up as Reno and Rude. Matt then wanted to see who the person in the wheel chair was, so he went over to the cloaked person and peeked under the tan cloak. What Matt saw, made him scream.

"Oh Mai God! Light! What happened to your face????!!!!!!" Indeed it was Light dressed in a Rufus Shinra outfit and Matt had just seen the Geostigma that was currently on Light's face.

"What are you talking about Cloud? Are you sure that you are all right yourself?" 'Rufus' asked innocently as he wheeled himself around Matt to see if he looked okay. Matt was fine on the outside but his mental state, not so good. '_**Is no one safe?**_' asked Matt to himself as his vision started to make him see spots.

Suddenly, someone threw a rock into Shinra's window which made it break and the shards went into the inside. The real important thing was the note that was stuck to the rock. It read:

_**Dear Cloud,**_

_**If you are reading this, that means you are reaching your limit. Come outside and fight me to the death.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Silver haired stranger aka the one winged angel.**_

Matt threw out any sense that he had out of his mind as he was prepared to fight whomever was waiting for him outside. He just couldn't take it anymore! He silently slipped away from the others as he frantically went to the door, causing him to go outside into the cold dark night. He ran and ran as he huffed and huffed but then he had reached the final destination. What Matt found however, made him completely brain dead. He couldn't believe it, this person he knew ever since he and Mello were at the orphanage. The one who was emotionless and didn't speak that often. There, standing in the dead center, was Near, dressed in a Sephiroth costume.

"Miss me, Cloud?" asked Sephiroth as he smiled creepily towards Matt. Matt however, didn't want to talk, didn't feel the need to talk. Talking was out of the question as he was prepared to get out of this place! No regrets, no nothing! Matt proudly yelled a battle cry as he took out his executioner swords and started to swing madly at Near. Near side-stepped as Matt swung dangerously by the cliff, then Matt lost his balance and fell off of the cliff.

'_**I guess this is it**_' thought Matt as he fell into the darkness as he closed his eyes.

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_**Location: Matt and Mello's room????**_

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"Matt..................Matt..........................Matt! Wake up darn it! Buy me some chocolate!" screamed Mello as he tried to shake his friend up. Matt then opened his eyes. The ending credits of the movie he was watching was slowly scrolling down behind him.

"Mello? Is that you? Is it really you?" asked Matt as he wanted to believe that this was the real Mello.

"Yeah who else would it be, you idiot?" Mello said as he folded his arms and huffed. "Shinji Hirako?" Mello sneered as he bit into a piece of chocolate.

"Mello!" said Matt as he hugged his best friend. "I was in this weird place and the whole Death Note cast was part of Final Fantasy Advent Children. Well they were cosplaying and stuff. I was Cloud and you were Cid. It was some crazy stuff" Matt said as he explained the whole experience with his frantic hand movements.

Mello looked at him as like he grew another head. "Forget about the chocolate. I think you need some time by yourself here. And Matt, never watch that movie again. It's giving ya some weird dreams" said Mello as he walked out of the room/apartment.

Silence could be heard in the room before Matt spoke up. "Man! Mello's right.....". He then went over to his PS2 and started to play .Hack//GU. Apparently, Matt didn't learn anything at all. Maybe next time he will.

_**-------------------------------------------------------**_

_**A Final Fantasy Encounter**_

_**-End-**_

_**------------------------------------------------------**_

_**Me: It's done! So how was it? Sorry if the ending was cliched. No flames please.**_

_Matt: So what if this doesn't get published by MissehKeehl?_

_**Me: Well then I might just change the title.**_

_Matt: Ever so optimistic, eh Uchiha?_

_**Me: Yeah since this is the first fic I typed without writing it up first. I usually write it down on pencil and paper.**_

_Matt: I am just glad that I am outta that place._

_**Me: Uh yeah..... -mischievous grin-**_

_Matt: You are not thinking about putting me and the others in .Hack//GU are you?_

_**Me: Maybe.................................. Now please read and review and also read my other stories, called: "Ask Matsuda" and "Beyond's Day Out". Later!**_


	8. Driver's ED

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**Me: LOL, this fic makes absolutely no sense, and yet, it makes sense.**

**Matt: That made no sense.**

**Me: Which is why it made sense!**

**Matt: But if it made no sense, how could you be making sense about making sense?**

**Me: Because if I don't make sense about making sense about making sense, it makes sense because....IN THE PROPHECY SO IT IS WRITTEN.**

**Matt: OHHHH BECAUSE IT IS WRITTEN! I see.**

**Mello: -_- Idiots. Misseh doesn't own Death Note or its characters. **

**Me: I do own Instructor Jake, though, and all his ribbon-y goodness ^^**

**Matt: What about the other guy?**

**Me: You can keep him. He's too yell-y.**

**Mello: Picky woman...tsk.**

**Me: DON'T WORRY, MELLO. YOU'RE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF YELL-Y FOR ME! :D**

**Mello: Well, praise the heavens. -_-**

**Me: YAY You agree! xD  
**

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**Drivers ED**

**Original Author: MissehKeehl (me xD). Enjoy!**

**_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

"You do realize you were going 80 when the maximum limit was 45, correct?"

"Ch'yeah, officer."

"And you also realize you just crashed into a lamppost, right?"

"Mhmm."

"Children play here, sir! What if this lamppost happened to be a person?"

"Well, then I'd go in reverse to be sure I hit the target."

"You must think you're a smart feller, huh?"

"Nah, but I think you're a fart smeller!"

The officer's face became beet red as he angrily slapped a ticket in the obnoxious teen's face. "This is your fine, _punk. _In addition to this, you are required to take sessions on road rage and Driver's Education once again. You could use a lesson in _manners, _too, but I'm in no authorization to prescribe that. The tow truck should be here in an hour."

Matt's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "W-What? _I have to take classes?!_"

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"FUCKINGCOPWITHHISSTUPIDCLASSESDIE!" Matt shouted incoherently as he slammed the door to the old apartment closed. Mello smirked bemusedly at his friend's angst, watching from the couch as the redhead proceeded to kick a wall.

"Let me guess, you got busted for speeding?"

"And hitting a lamppost. It _sucks _because now I have to attend stupid classes for "road rage." I mean, how retarded is that?! It's like therapy but based on cars."

Mello snorted, trying desperately not to laugh at Matt's predicament. "Yeah, I feel your pain. Good luck with that."

Matt's head nearly made an entire 360 degree turn towards Mello, a frightening smirk on his face. "Oh, you mean good luck to _us. _I'm not going through torture alone, and if there's anyone I know who needs help with road rage, it's you, Mello Yellow.

"YOU BASTARD, I'M GONNA-"

"Come!"

"….Dude, Matt, what the _fuck _was that?! You're sick!"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist…."

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

** Therapy: Part I**

Matt sat hunched in his chair, pouting distastefully amidst a circle of people who were just as pissed to be in the class. Many eyes averted the gaze of Mello, whose angry aura was so strong flames could practically be seen in the background behind him.

"Good morning!" greeted a cheerful instructor as he twirled into the room, ribbons flying out of his hands as confetti.

_Kill me now, _Matt loathed as the instructor took his seat, crossing his legs very femininely.

"Hello, everyone! Call me Instructor Jake! Today, we are going to start a week long sort of "therapy session" to find out the source of all your road rage, okee?"

The rest of the group glared daggers at the gleeful instructor, crossing their arms almost simultaneously in response.

"Um, okee….How about we start by introducing ourselves? In case you're hard of hearing, I'm Instructor Jake, and I loooove ribbons, the world, and all of you! Now, we'll go around the circle introducing our names and a little about ourselves. Let's start with…you there! The redhead!" Instructor Jake said, pointing at Matt enthusiastically.

Matt groaned, slowly standing up from his seat and facing the circle. "My name is None-Of-Your-Business and I don't like any of you."

"Aw, come on now! Be serious!" Instructor Jake encouraged, pouting in disappointment. Matt sighed, taking in a breathe to control how much he really wanted to take the guy's head off but couldn't.

"My name is Matt. I like games, cigs, and driving fast in my baby."

"YOU RIDE AROUND ON AN INFANT?!" a mustached man in the circle cried out, standing up with his hands thrown up in the air.

"Please, sit down! You must've misunderstood him. He means his car, sir," Instructor Jake explained, putting a hand on the shoulder of the mustached man. He sat down cautiously, glaring at Matt while he mouthed "I'm watching you."

"Okay, now….you! The blonde lady in leather, introduce yourself!" Instructor Jake said innocently while Matt tried to contain his uncontrollable laughter. Mello clenched his fists, glaring so hard at Jake that Matt swore he could see heat vision coming from the chocoholic's eyes.

"My name is fucking Mello, and I have a _dick_."

"Mello, we do not curse here in the Circle of Friendship! We are here to help solve each other's rage problems, not instigate it! I will ask you to please sit in the Naughty Corner and calm down!"

"_WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU PRICK?!" _Mello seethed, standing up from his chair. Instructor Jake winced, reaching behind his chair and pulling out a…._spray bottle?_

"Bad Mello! Bad! Go to the Naughty Corner!" Instructor Jake commanded, spritzing Mello as though he were a misbehaving cat. And, just as the previous statement implied, Mello fled to the Naughty Corner, shaking his hair from the water with a scowl on his face.

"Terribly sorry for the interruption…let's continue introducing ourselves!"

And so, Matt sat back in his chair, counting the cracks in the ceiling and not bothering to listen as Instructor Jake picked out poor suckers to put a name to a face. When everyone had introduced themselves, Instructor Jake clapped his hands together in satisfaction, smiling widely.

"Okay, now that we all know each of us by name, let's begin the session with opinions. Let's go around the circle and ask why each of _you _think you have road rage, and then get feedback, okay?"

Instructor Jake turned to Matt, tilting his head with a smile expectantly. Matt sighed, looking through his goggles at the group who stared just as expectantly back at him.

"I'll have you know I have no idea why the hell I'm here. Cop just got his panties in a bunch when I had a _little _fender-bender with a lamppost. I drive just fine….the cop was just being a dick…"

"Hmmm….Interesting choice of words, Matt. Is 'dick' supposed to be an insult to him?"

Matt snorted, rolling his eyes at the instructor's stereotypical therapist-like behavior. "Let me guess, next you're going to ask me how that makes me _feel. _Of course it's an insult, and I think everyone knows that."

"Is it really, Matt? Or is it just _you _who finds it to be an insult? You know, most people find things that they find to be revolting to be insults. Do you find dicks revolting, Matt?"

"….What the _hell _are you talking about?!"

"Perhaps your fear of dicks is what fuels your road rage!"

"WHAT ARE YOU-"

"Why do you hate penises so, Matt? Is it perhaps you're afraid of what you'll become if you admit to liking them?"

"Yes, Matt, do tell!"

"SHUT IT, MELLO. DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!"

Instructor Jake put a comforting hand on Matt's shoulder. "We are in the Circle of Friendship, Matt. We will not judge you!"

"I don't care if we are in the Square of Hatred, you are one crazy son of a-"

"Oh, dear Matt, do not fear the dick! Embrace your fears! _Embrace the dick!"_ he shouted happily, throwing his hands in the air and swaying from side to side.

"Embrace the dick! Embrace it! Join me, everyone~!" he encouraged, and suddenly the entire circle was joining hands and chanting with Instructor Jake.

Mello huddled more into the corner, trembling a bit. He and Matt shared the same "WTF" face, watching as the room chanted about a man's…. "jewels" until the therapy session for the day was over.

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

** Therapy: Part II **

Matt groaned as Mello punched him repeatedly in the ribs to wake him up the next morning. The gamer smacked his glove in Mello's face for revenge, only to earn a mouthful of chocolate wrapper in return.

"MMPH! Vhat the fook foo vant?" he mumbled, yanking the wrapper from his mouth.

"We have that stupid Road Rage class, remember? Move your ass or we'll be late."

Matt scoffed, turning over to go back to sleep. "I sure ain't going back _there _again. I mean, for what? The only thing I learned is that I have some inexplicable fear of balls, and everyone there has completely lost their mind."

Mello put a finger thoughtfully to his chin. "Huh…guess you're right. By the way, the computer has been yapping about 'You got Mail' all morning. You better check it before I chuck it out the window."

Matt sighed, rolling lazily out of bed and walking to his computer. He clicked on the first and only new email on the list.

"_? _Who the hell is that," Matt mumbled, clicking on the link.

**Dear Matt,**

**Guess who? xD I did the liberty of finding some pictures of you-know-what to help you get over your fear! The more you expose yourself to what you're terrified of, the faster you'll get over it and find the solution to your road rage!**

**You're welcome!**

Matt's eyes widened to the size of saucers when he saw what photos were attached to the email, and he threw the computer mouse at the screen as though it were the spawn of Satan.

"GOD, MELLO! MAKE IT STOP!" he cried in horror, running to hide under his bed. Mello sauntered into the room, kneeling down to peek under the bed.

"What now, Matt?"

"T-That email…is from Instructor Jake….I t-think he's trying to justify _porn!"_

"Hmm? Where?" Mello murmured, turning to walk to the computer. His eyes widened beyond their limits as he scrolled down to each picture.

"M-Mello? Is it gone yet? Did you delete it?"

"…Just a minute, Matt."

"Mello, the delete button is right there…"

"I SAID JUST A MINUTE, DAMMIT!"

* * *

Ever since the email incident, Matt refused to go to the Road Rage therapy sessions, or even leave the house, for that matter. However, he was required to attend at least two sessions, so by default, he forced himself out of the house one Friday afternoon, dragging Mello along.

When they arrived at the group, the whole "Circle of Friendship" was waiting for them, Instructor Jake all smiles as usual. Matt shuddered and took the seat farthest from the ribbon-loving freak. Mello slouched in his seat beside Matt, both boys waiting for the session to start.

Instructor Jake took in a deep breathe. "Okee, everyone. Since Matt and Mello missed every other class this week, I decided the objective for our last session was to combine all other objectives into one, while having fun at the same time. Soooo, I came up with what I like to call my little Road-Rage Rapid Fire Questionnaire! Let's start with…you, Matt!"

_Ugh, it's always me, isn't it?_ Matt sighed deeply, sitting straighter in his seat. "Whatever. Try me."

"What would you do if someone cut you off? Twenty seconds!"

"Tailgate the hell out of the guy."

"What would you do if a pedestrian walked when it was green for you? Fifteen seconds!"

"Run 'em over."

"What if someone flipped you off? Ten seconds!"

"Run into the punk and show him how much he'll miss that pretty little finger."

"What if someone changed into your lane without signaling? FIVE SECONDS!"

"Follow him until I could slash his ti-"

"HOWWOULDYOUBESTCONDROLYOURROADRAGE? THREESECONDS!"

"I don't feel like-"

"Time's up!" Instructor Jake announced, shaking his head a little sadly at Matt's answers. "I'm quite disappointed, actually. Did you cease to learn anything from this entire experience?"

"I learned that you're just a bunch of freaks, and for some twenty-something instructor, you're really creepy with that ribbon fetish of yours, and you act so infantile that-"

"THERE HE GOES AGAIN!!! TALKING ABOUT BABIES! YOU SICK BASTARD!" exploded the same mustached man from the start of the week. He stood up from his chair, pointing his finger at Matt accusingly.

"…Uh, dude, calm down. He said _infantile; _that's an adjective, you moron," Mello scoffed.

"LOOK! HE'S EVEN POISONED THE MIND OF HIS FRIEND, THAT REDHEADED FREAK!"

Instructor Jake frowned, pulling out his spray bottle. "Bad Mello! Bad! To the Naughty Corner with you! Shame on you!"

"_What the hell?! I didn't fucking do anythi-_"

Mello retreated with his hands over his head defensively before he finished his sentence as Instructor Jake spritzed him like there was no tomorrow. He sulked in the corner, making his index finger and thumb into the shape of a gun and pointing it to his forehead, pulling the "trigger" repeatedly.

Turning his attention back to Matt, Instructor Jake smiled a bit. "You know, I believe we can all actually learn from this. Everyone, just remember….Don't be a Matt, and you'll do just fine on the road."

"Don't be a Matt!" the group shouted back in unison.

"Alright! That's all for therapy! Starting on Monday, however, all of you are required to attend the second half of this: the Learning session. Best of luck to you all!"

_Ah, shit…this isn't over yet…_

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

** Learning: Part I**

"Damn…this is just like back in Wammy's," Matt said, reminiscing as he entered the classroom where he would spend at least two days re-taking Driver's ED. Mello shrugged with disinterest, leaning against the chalkboard with the rest of the group as they all waited for their "teacher" to arrive.

The door to the classroom nearly exploded open when the teacher did arrive. He was tall and muscular, tattoos decorating both his uncovered, bulging arms in an army print tank top. His look practically _screamed _drill sergeant.

Well, his voice certainly confirmed it.

"MY NAME IS MR. WOMAN," he yelled at the top of his lungs. Matt tried desperately to hold in his laughter, and Mello bit hard into his chocolate, trying to accomplish the same.

"I WILL ASSIGN SEATS. YOU, TOMATO-HEAD: FIRST SEAT, FRONT ROW. BLONDIE CHICK, NEXT TO HIM. MARIO IMPERSONATER, BEHIND TOMATO-HEAD," he barked, and each said person obeyed without protest. Mello didn't even say a thing about being called the "blonde chick".

"FIRST WE WILL GO OVER THE BASICS. THE FRONT SEAT IS FOR? YOU, BLONDE CHICK."

"The driver, obviously."

"THE BACKSEAT IS FOR? YOU, TOMATO-HEAD."

"Hookers."

"TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY!"

"Okay, okay….Sex."

"WRONG!"

"Fine, fine….uh, people other than the person occupying the passenger seat, and minors."

"_I bet you like that, don't you, you sicko!" _the mustached man hissed from behind Matt, poking him hard in the back with a sharpened pencil. Matt winced, moving his desk forward a bit.

"OKAY, BESIDES STUPID BASICS, LET'S GO OVER WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU FIRST GET IN A CAR, AND IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE ROAD."

The next three hours was spent going over all the things Matt already knew, boring the gamer to death. He sat slouched in his seat, the only things taking him out of daydreaming being a poke from the mustached man from behind him anytime something to do with children was mentioned.

"AND THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WILL BE ENTIRELY DEVOTED TO QUESTIONS. DISMISSED."

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

** Learning: Part II **

Matt and Mello filed silently into the classroom the next day, fashionably late due to Mello's insisting on the need to stop by Walgreen's for Reese's that were on sale.

"YOU TWO ARE LATE. MAXIMUM PENALTY," Mr. Woman shouted. He pointed a chubby finger at the classroom before him. "STAND UP AND FACE EVERYONE TO APOLOGIZE. SAY HOW MUCH YOU ARE UNWORTHY MAGGOTS ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH."

"We are both unworthy maggots on the face of this earth," Mello and Matt mumbled simultaneously; half standing, half leaning against their desks. They both seat back down and glared at their husky teacher, waiting for further instruction.

"LIKE I SAID YESTERDAY, I WILL NOW TAKE THE TIME TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS."

The entire room was silent; no one daring to raise a hand.

Except Matt, of course.

Matt waved his hand in the air excitedly, his tongue sticking slightly out the side of his mouth with determination.

"ERM…YES, TOMATO HEAD?"

"Why do they call it 'Red Light, Green Light' if there are no stop lights involved in the game?"

Mr. Woman fell silent, processing his question for a moment. "I'M SORRY, BUT WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST SAY?! THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH-"

"But you said you would take the time to answer any questions."

"….I DON'T KNOW WHY. NEXT QUESTION."

Matt's hand shot into the air again as he swayed it from left to right. "Y-YES, TOMATO HEAD?"

"Why do people park in the driveway but drive on the parkway?"

"…THAT'S ANOTHER IRRELAVENT QUESTION. I CAN'T ANSWER IT. ARE THERE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?"

Matt's hand remained raised high in the air, his fingers wiggling to get attention.

"…ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS BESIDES WHAT TOMATO-HEAD HAS TO SAY? OH, YES, BLONDE CHICK!"

Mello put his hand down with a smirk. "Matt has a question."

"….I'M AWARE."

"Why won't you answer Matt's question?"

"…….FINE. TOMATO-HEAD, WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?"

Matt put his exhausted hand down, a wide grin on his face. "How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"OKAY, THAT'S IT. BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT OF THIS CLASSROOM AND NEVER COME BACK."

"Gladly!" Mello and Matt cheered, almost jumping out of their seats. They sauntered right out of the classroom, with no intention of ever going back, feeling as free as ever.

* * *

Mello and Matt were walking happily through the parking lot when loud shouts were heard behind them.

"YOU! YOU SICK PERVERT! DON'T THINK I'M STUPID, BECAUSE I'M NOT!" a familiar mustached man shouted, pointing a finger at Matt while he stormed towards him.

"Damn, this guy _again? _Something isn't all up there, huh?" Matt peeved, shoving his hands into his pockets calmly when the mustached man had finally reached him.

"You're one sick perv, you know that?! Don't think I don't know codenames! What, is 'Woodchuck' some code for 'thirteen year old girl' and 'wood' another name for _semen?! _YOU DISGUST ME!" he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Do you find some sort of perverted part to _everything _I say? Seriously!"

"So you ADMIT IT! I certainly won't get some child molester on the loose, or my name isn't Soichiro Yagami of the Japanese Police Force!"

Matt struggled as Soichiro pinned him to the ground and began putting handcuffs on him. "M-Mello! Help me!" he pleaded, trying to move out of his grip. Mello only looked down on him and shrugged, turning to leave.

"Sorry, man, but I've got better things to do then aid the escape of a _sexual offender."_

"WHAT?!?!"

Mello chuckled to himself as he walked away, getting onto his parked motorcycle and starting up the engine. Just as he was about to be home free, he swerved to the right quickly to avoid a cat, and rammed right into a telephone poll.

"……….._Fuck."_


	9. The Lover

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**Me: LOL, this is just something really short I came up with in the heat of the moment.**

**Mello: You always act on impulse. Do you ever take anything seriously?**

**Me: Fine. In fact, this one's quite smexy ;D  
**

**Matt: Sh-Should I be scared...?**

**Me: Of course, not, Matt. What reason would I have to hurt you? :D Hehehe.....**

**Mello: I suggest you run....this is too good to be true. o_e**

**Matt: R-ROGER! HELP ME!**

**Mello: What kind of choice was that?! He hates kids!**

**Matt: You know what? Your mom hates kids.**

**Me: M-Matt, not really the best time to do your mom jokes..... o.o *facepalm*  
**

**Mello: ...........**

**Matt: O.O Um.....Misseh doesn't own Death Note or its characters....  
**

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**The Lover**

**Original Author: MissehKeehl (me xD)**

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Matt felt like he was on pure ecstasy.

Every movement, every low rumble; every vibration felt just perfect; it felt so _right. _All the sounds were addicting, and the rush anytime he was inside was better than a lifetime of cigarettes. He couldn't live without this feeling; he needed it so badly, and it was just out of this world.

With another movement, Matt shuddered, closing his eyes in pleasure. He ran his hands bare hands across leather, enjoying the familiar feel of his loved one. Everything was a blur, the feeling indescribable.

"Mnn….ah…," he moaned, shifting his hips. His partner simply took it, as always, letting Matt be entirely in control.

"I love it when we go fast," Matt murmured. "I love it when you scream as we come to a sudden stop in our 'fun', baby. I love how you're fine with whatever I do. I don't care what anyone will say, I love you….."

Matt pressed his foot down on a soft spot by accident, and a loud rumble was heard from his partner, quick to respond.

"Hmm….Sorry, don't be mad…," Matt cooed, running his hands across what felt like leather again. He bucked his hips, and cried out.

"Oh, yes, babe!"

"M-MATT?!" Mello screeched, peeking his head into the garage after having not seen the gamer in over two hours.

"Matt, what the FUCK are you doing dry-humping the _car?!?!?"_

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: LOLOLOL HAHAHA, big disappointment for yaoi fans. Perhaps implied, yet not. xD Sorry for those who are ready to throw things at me after thinking they were reading a LEMON, but it's not. **

**Matt: O.O JUST WTF WAS THAT?!?!**

**Mello: HAHAHA, PATHETIC, MATT! You _really _need a girlfriend.**

**Me: *hears a stampede in the distance* O.O RUN, MATT, RUN! THE FANGIRLS ARE COMING, THE FANGIRLS ARE COMING!**


	10. Simulation

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Simulation**

**Original Author: Broken_Glass_Walker . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy!!! :D  
**

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It had arrived deep in the night, on the doorstep of Matt and Mello's room at Wammy's.

Wammy's House was an unusual place to live; there was no doubt about that. After all, in what other residence hall would two boys with names as ill-fitting as Mello and Near live, when Mello was absolutely anything _but_ mellow and Near was naught if not socially detached? Most definitely, Wammy's was a conundrum in itself.

Digression aside, the mysterious package was soon retrieved and brought into the room of the two who would always be second and third best.

The eight year old redhead stared at the package in wonder. His roommate was off wandering the house, probably on a chocolate run, although why Mello needed chocolate at two in the morning was beyond Matt's comprehension. Matt ripped open the packaging, and found himself nearly drooling with delight as he read the instruction pamphlet that lay beside the foreign machine that had rested in the box.

"_Hello, there, faithful gamer! For being such a loyal customer of all things Nintendo you have been selected as one of twenty people to be the first to try out the prototype of our new game, __Fairy Universe 9000__!"_

Matt looked up from the booklet for a moment, shaking his head. _Fairy Universe 9000__? _Sounded like some sort of fruity thing that Linda would like, not the usual shoot-em-up-kill-em games Matt liked. Regardless, the small child read on.

"_Fairy Universe 9000__ is unlike any game ever, and we do mean __**ever **__to hit the market! As you've been selected, we would very much appreciate it if you would take the time to play through the game and fill out the survey we've given you."_

As much as the idea of being involved with anything fairy-related, Matt decided he would give it a shot. After all, he _did_ worship all things Nintendo. Matt followed the instructions given, slipping the device over his head and picking up the plastic wand that was also in the box. An image popped up in front of him, and Matt waved his hand in front of his face, attempting to find what screen this was being projected upon.

"Matt," a robotic voice could be heard, one so monotonous and dull it reminded Matt of Near, "despite your efforts to find some sort of projection device, you will not find one. This is because this device has attached itself to your brain, and as far as your mind is concerned you are now in the Universe of Fairies."

Matt began groping at his head, trying to pull the device off with his skinny eight-year-old arms, but found himself unable to even drop the plastic wand that was in his right hand.

"Now, now, Matt, please cooperate. Once you finish the game, the overlords will re-grant you complete control of your body." Matt finally quit struggling, and sighed. It seemed as if that was the only way. "Matt, please create your avatar."

What the hell? The avatar _had_ to be female?

Oh well. He'd just make it look exactly like Mello, and then pray to God that he never found out. Not that Matt cared either way, really.

Matt's avatar, named Mellina, met twin sister Maddie on the morning of her tenth birthday.

"Oh my _goodness_, Mellina!" Maddie's high-pitched voice squeaked, "Today's the day we get our _wings! _Aren't you _excited_?!"

Matt, of no free will of his own, proceeded to nod his head and grin cheerily.

"Yeah, Maddie! Let's go see the Fairy Queen!"

Mellina, wand in hand, hooked arms with Maddie and skipped down the brightly colored street of Daffodil Drive, which of course was where she lived. Several fairies with wings waved at the two young girls, and oddly enough not a single one of them was male. As much as this disturbed Matt, he couldn't help but feel that the pink and yellow streets in the Universe of Fairy were strangely… home-like, and Matt found himself slowly growing attached to the game which at first he had been sure he would hate.

The Fairy Queen was jaw-dropping-ly beautiful, and her name was Mary-Sue. As Queen of all of Fairy Land, she was all-knowing, all-powerful, and apparently she could sleep with as many guys as she wanted, considering the numerous male fairies around her.

Matt deduced, with his Wammy House brain, that all the men that had been missing from Daffodil Drive were most definitely here. How he was aware of this he did not know.

"My _darling _Maddie and Mellina! At last! Today is the day that the two of you shall receive your wings, for it is in fact your tenth birthday!"

Maddie squealed with delight, and Matt did a dance along with Mellina at the thought of getting his wings. The Fairy Queen smiled benevolently upon the two of them.

"Remember, my children, with great power comes great responsibility."

When the _hell_ did fairies start watching Spiderman? Matt shook his head once, and Mellina did the same, garnering a sharp kick from Maddie, to which Matt winced in pain in unison with Mellina.

The Fairy Queen spun on one foot, raising her titanium wand (at least that was what it looked like to Matt), and glittery arts-and-crafts herpes rained from the ceiling, showering Maddie and Mellina, making the latter cough once.

Maddie let out (yet another) squeal of delight as she looked at her pretty pink and white wings, full of intricate swirls. Mellina's wings were purple and black; much darker than Maddie's were, in fact almost the complete opposite.

"Alas, my children! Today is not a day for celebration!" The Queen swooned, hand to her forehead, falling backward only to have one of the male fairies swoop forward and catch her. The two proceeded to make out for the better part of twenty minutes, making Matt want to throw up.

When she finally pulled away and stood upright again she said, "The Great Wizard has unleashed his wrath upon Fairy Land, and only the two of you can stop it!"

Maddie, Mellina, and Matt all gasped in unison.

"W-what? Why us?" Maddie's voice trembled.

"Because one of you, my dears, is…" The Fairy Queen stopped dramatically. "_The Chosen One."_

Again, Maddie, Mellina, and Matt all gasped in unison.

"One of the two of you is destined to be the heiress of Fairy Land, and it is prophesized that whosoever defeats the Great Wizard will be the ultimate One." Matt recognized a reference to The Matrix, and nearly busted out laughing before Mellina began speaking.

"B-but… Why only one of us?" Matt focused – _he_ was the one who was going to be the heiress of Fairy Land. It _had _to be him. Never before, in _anything_ had Matt felt such drive…

"Because there can only be one Fairy Princess."

But Matt knew that _he _was the _only one_ capable of being the Fairy Princess.

"The two of you must work together to defeat the Great Wizard, for one of you alone cannot defeat him. Whichever of you proves to be stronger will be the Fairy Princess. So, my darlings," The Fairy Queen flung an arm out to her side, and a door opened in unison.

All Matt could think was _That is one big-ass door._

"Begin your quest. The fate of Fairy Land relies on your shoulders."

Maddie and Mellina looked at each other before nodding determinedly and flying off on their newly acquired pairs of wings.

It was three-thirty A.M. when Mihael Keehl, or Mello, as he was known, walked back into the room he shared with a certain Mail Jeevas. The last thing he expected was what he found.

Matt was nearly to the Great Wizard, on the second-to-top floor of the Grand Tower where the Wizard lived. One more floor, and the final battle would begin. However, Matt was the only one who could see this.

All Mello saw was his best friend, waving a plastic wand at nothing in particular, with some sort of mechanical device attached to his head. It was a wonder, Mello thought, that Matt hadn't woken up the entirety of Wammy's yet, what with his screaming and various battle cries. Hearing Matt scream out what he could only assume were meant to be spells (i.e. "Fire! Stun! Confusion! Oh, shit, confusion's a Pokemon attack!), made the second most intelligent child on earth wonder if maybe the video games had at last gotten to him and he had begun playing them in his sleep.

When Matt screamed, "YES! FINAL LEVEL!", Mello decided he would come back later for fear of what would happen if Matt lost.

Mellina and Maddie pushed open the door, die-hard determination apparent in both their eyes. There could be only one Fairy Princess, the Fairy Queen had said. Both girls would fight their very hardest.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Matt knew that eight-year-olds weren't supposed to use that type of language, but he wasn't the kind of eight-year-old who cared. "WHY IS ROGER THE GREAT WIZARD?!"

Indeed, Matt's elderly 'caretaker' was the Great Wizard who was tormenting Fairy Land. Matt pulled out his wand from his pocket, preparing for a battle of epic proportions, before Maddie did something that could take down even the most hardened, battle-scarred warlock…

She skipped down the floor, flew across the giant chasm separating the two parties, and kissed Roger/Great Wizard on the cheek.

Roger/Great Wizard dissipated into some sort of sandy substance, and Matt and Mellina's jaws dropped while Maddie gave them both an innocent and wholesome smile.

The Fairy Queen congratulated Maddie on her defeat of the Great Wizard, placing a small tiara on her head as half of the male fairies flocked to her. Matt looked on whilst positively green with envy. It wasn't fair that his whore of a sister got to be the Fairy Princess instead of him...

Matt felt himself tear up, and as the game ended and his avatar was cheering for her sister, he ripped the game set off his head and scribbled something very quickly onto the survey, not bothering to check any boxes or anything of that type.

In five to seven business days, the Nintendo company received a message from Wammy's House, where they had sent a prototype of their new game _Fairy Universe 9000__. _The company's management was the group to open the letter, and inside they found a tear-stained paper with a single sentence on it.

_**I WAS BORN TO BE THE FUCKING FAIRY PRINCESS!**_


	11. Seasons of Cash

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**Me: Haha, this is just something random I came up with. **

**Matt: You're retarded. I'll have you know, I'm an _excellent _saver.**

**Me: Sureeeee. That explains why all your bills are through the roof.**

**Mello: *holding a lamp* MATT.**

**Matt: FTTTT GOTTA GO NOW. Misseh does not own Death Note or its characters, nor does she own "Seasons of Love" from RENT.**

**Me: By the way, readers, you'll better understand this disclaimer AFTER reading the one-shot.**

**Matt: *running* THEN WHY DID YOU PUT IT FIRST?**

**Me: BECAUSE CONFUSION IS FUN :D**

**Mello: Witch.  
**

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Seasons of Cash**

**Original Author: MissehKeehl (ME.)**

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Mello nearly had the wind knocked out of him when he arrived home, staring down at the plate of double chocolate chip cookies shoved into his chest.

"Matt? What're you-"

"Welcome home, Mello! Won't you have a seat?!" Matt yelled over him, dragging him by the wrist. He pushed Mello backwards so that he fell onto the couch, and placed the plate of cookies in front of him on the coffee table.

"Enjoy!" he said with an all-too-sincere smile. Mello quirked a brow as he reached for the cookie, taking a slow bite into its soft, chocolaty goodness. "Mmm…Matt, these are good. What's the occasion?"

Matt grinned wider, almost painfully. "Why, Mello, I'm shocked! Can't a guy just bake cookies for his best friend?"

"No."

"Well, there's a first for everything."

"Matt, cut the bullshit and tell me what you did."

Matt sighed, hunching his shoulders. "I guess you saw right through me…Well, to explain this….I'll lighten the mood by telling you _in song!"_

Mello sat back in his seat as Matt brought in a boom box, pressing the button to start the song on the CD. He cleared his throat, preparing himself.

"Ahem…..

_Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six hundred dollars,_

_That's how much money I had, but now I am broke._

_Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six hundred dollars,_

_How do you measure, measure my debt?_

_In pennies, in nickels,_

_In dimes, or even singles,_

_In batteries, in games_

_In cigarette packs._

_In— Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred dollars._

_How will I pay you,_

_Repay you, Mello?"_

Mello's eyes were the size of plates, giving a stone cold glare at the redhead who sang in front of him. At this point, Matt got down on one knee, holding an invisible microphone in front of him as his eyes were pleading.

"Tell me, _Mail, _how the _fuck __are _ you planning on paying me back?" Mello asked through gritted teeth.

"_How about looooooove?_

_How about looooooooove?_

_How about loooooooooove?_

_Pay you in love._

_Seasons of Caaaaash,_

_Seasons of Caaaaaash."_

"Matt," Mello hissed, reaching for the lamp nearest him.

"……….I'll go get my helmet……," he said sadly.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


	12. How to Lose a Girl in Two Days

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**Seiren's Special Note to Readers: I've attempted a more light-hearted style of writing for this oneshot. It was a LOT of fun, and I'll probably write the rest of these oneshot submissions in this style. Maybe. I like writing in satirical form, too.**

**And those two look alike. Don't deny it, they DO! THEY DOOOOOOO! *ahum* You'll see what I mean later on.**

****Disclaimer** **

**Matt: You're back for what… the **_**third**_** time?**

**Seiren: Matt, do the Disclaimer please. **

**Matt: I refuse to be subjected to this kind of humiliation!**

**Seiren: Hmm… Pixi Stik?**

**Matt: Pixi Stik? Yay! *snatches Pixi Stik and pours powder into mouth* ……Wait! YOU! DON'T USE MY WEAKNESS AGAINST ME! **

**Seiren: Haha-JUST DO IT. **

**Matt: *cringes* You're scarier than Beyond sometimes… *sighs* The various authors and authoresses in this compilation do not own any of the Death Note characters used in their oneshots… *mumbles* Thank God.**

**Raito: You're welcome. ^^**

****End Disclaimer****

**__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~How to Lose a Girl in Two Days~  
(special appearance by a murderer we all know and love…kinda)**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy! ^^**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Mello and Matt lay on their backs on the roof of the complex, staring at the darkening sky. Tiny dots of light appeared like tiny dots of hope on the dark blue tapestry of night.

"Oh God, Mels. We haven't eaten that well since before the Boy Scouts came and raided the pantry." Matt patted his stomach. "Now if only we could get good meals all the time."

"Here's to hoping."

"Hey!" a voice drifted from below them. "I got your mail _again_. Seriously, you doin' this on purpose?" A letter spun up and landed on Matt's stomach.

Matt sighed and opened it. "Oh damn."

"What?"

"According to Near, Roger has a spy in our apartment complex and he wants to know why our information in the Wammy's database doesn't jive with what the spy is sending."

"Our beautiful night has been destroyed." Mello sat up. "Well. Let's see how we can weasel our way out of this one." He stood and brushed off his pants. "Depending on who the spy is, this might not be an all bad thing."

~oOo~

A few days later, Matt walked into Roger's office at Wammy's, lit cig dangling casually from his mouth. "What's this about? We've been giving you..." He trailed off when he saw who was sitting in one of chairs in the office. His eyes narrowed behind his goggles, teeth clenched around the cig. "Oh. It's you."

The woman, also known as Kate, smiled brightly. "It's nice to see you too, Matthew."

Roger cleared his throat as Matt twitched. "Ah. You two know each other. Well, Kate here has been at your apartment complex, watching you for a while now. And what she has to tell me about your performance on the case there has been rather enlightening."

"Really."

Roger and Kate, also known as 'Ball Breaker' among enemies, didn't notice the iciness of Matt's tone or the cigarette's increased speed of burning out. Mello began edging toward the door.

"Why don't you tell us what's going on, Kate?"

"Yes," Matt breathed out smoke. "Tell us everything you know. It'll only take ten seconds."

Mello began rattling the door, trying to get out of the room.

Kate, also known as 'Evil Bitch,' visibly tensed. "I do not have to take your abuse."

Mello put the silencer on his gun and shot out the glass. He lifted himself and prepared to exit into the hall.

"That's all right. I'll just continue to fling insults at you anyway."

"You better watch yourself, Matthew, or I'll make your life a living hell."

Mello froze.

"Go ahead. Make my day."

Mello dived headfirst out of the broken window leading into Roger's office. Scrambling to his feet, he grabbed a very confused Linda and ran for the stairs.

**~oOo~**

A few hours later, Matt and Linda sat at a table outside, sipping their sodas.

"So how are you going to get out of this one?" Linda asked.

"Meh, not sure."

"So how do you know Kate?"

The gamer pulled out the first cigarette of his fifth pack that day, and lit it silently.

"Ex-girlfriend?"

"Nope. I turned her down when she asked."

Linda took a sip of her soda and started to sketch Matt's lighter on the table. "Why?"

"She's a bitch. And I only take that sort of attitude from Mello. Even then, it's a stretch."

"And what about Near?"

Matt blinked. "Does Near look girlier than Mello to you?"

Linda smiled secretly to her sketch. "So she's got you on a short leash..."

"Figuratively speaking. I just have to find a way to discredit her. Make her say something that will be perfectly obvious to stupid Roger that she's lying."

Mello walked outside at that moment and did a double take. He looked at Matt, who was standing right next to him, and he looked at Matt, who was sitting at a table with Linda. "I... I'm confused."

"I _told _you I wasn't Matt," Raito said and crossed his arms over his chest.

Matt looked up and an evil smile curled his lips. "I just had an awful idea."

"What?" Linda looked in the direction of the visitor.

"A wonderful, awful idea." He stood up. "Bitch is going down."

**~oOo~**

"I'm really glad you decided to take my offer, Matthew," Kate, also known as 'She Who Must Die,' said the next day. She giggled as she hung on Raito's arm.

Raito smiled. "On the contrary, _Katie_, I've decided that, since you're trying to sabotage me and Mello, I'm going to have to kill you."

The color drained from her face. She turned and ran. Raito sighed, disappointed at how easy it had been, and slowly followed. Kate, also known as 'Doom,' ran into Roger's office and came face to face with Matt, having his morning chat with the old man.

"He's Kira! He tried to kill me!" she screamed.

Roger blinked. "When?"

"Just now! Outside!"

"But, Matt has been here all morning."

Kate, also known as 'Royally Screwed,' blinked. "But I was just outside and he and I had breakfast and..."

"I think, Roger, that this just proves that this 'spy' is incompetent or a double agent." Matt smiled into his coffee. "With her current efforts to sabotage me and therefore, Mello, I believe that she is a double agent."

Kate, also known as 'Dead Meat,' gasped and escaped before anyone could catch her. Roger stood.

"Don't bother going after her, Roger. I know just the man to do it for us." Matt walked out of Roger's office and into the room across from it. Raito sat behind the front desk, idly flipping through a magazine.

Mello look up from where he'd been staring out the window. "All according to plan?"

"Of course."

Matt sat down on the desk by Raito. "Thanks for the help, man."

"No problem. Just don't tell Near I was here."

**~oOo~**

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Raito: I had a cameo! I IZ HAPPY! *does a jig***

**Seiren: And I'm sure half of the readers were hoping it was B who had the cameo. Oh well.**

**Matt: You made me Nega-Matt **_**again**_**! I HATE YOU!**

**Seiren: Oh geez, that's really nice, Matt. I love you, too. Here's a Pixi Stik for putting up with being evil.**

**Matt: YAY! *runs off happily***

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Misseh's A/N: YAYAYAYAY Seiren_Sekito is back! WITH LOTS OF ONE-SHOTS :D Endless thanks, this was hilarious! Poor Mello, haha ^^**

**___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


	13. Nightmare Not on Elm Street

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**Seiren's Note to Readers: The beginning of this entry may seem confusing. It all becomes clear at the end. I really couldn't resist this one, truly.**

**And as for Halle, well, there's a fangirl (and boy, depending on gender) in all of us. In some people, it's just really, really, really, REALLY deep down.**

****Disclaimer****

**Matt: Seiren has decided she doesn't enjoy participating in saying the Disclaimer, so…**

**Near: The task has been given to us.**

**Both: …**

**Mello: This is stupid.**

**Seiren: *stomps* This isn't stupid, YOU'RE STUPID!**

***fistfight starts***

**Raito: Oh dear.**

**Beyond: OOH! BRAWL! *jumps in***

**L: The authors and authoresses do not own us. At all.**

****End Disclaimer****

**___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~Nightmare Not on Elm Street~**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy!!**

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Near grabbed the blanket and pulled. Mello grabbed his end and pulled back. Near pulled on his end again. Mello pulled back. This continued for a good fifteen minutes.

"You aren't the only one freezing, you know," the blond huffed.

"You aren't the only one trying to get some sleep," the albino growled back.

Matt snickered over his Crisis Core game. "You know, you two could just stop pulling and get all snuggly."

Near glared and Mello flipped him the bird.

Goggled eyes lifted and glanced over the pair in front of him. "You could both just curl up next to the fire."

"Easy for you to say. You've got a fuzzy vest and long sleeves," Mello said.

Matt snuggled into the vest with a happy sigh.

Mello rolled his eyes. "Let's just get some sleep. We have to be back in our respective HQs in the morning."

More grumbling followed. Somewhere during the night, Matt, having beaten Crisis Core for the fifth time that night, let the other's breathing lull him to sleep.

**~oOo~**

Halle was standing guard outside Rester's room. Well, standing was too strong a word. She was actually guarding the door with her eyes closed, leaning against the wall. The noise inside woke her up.

Rester groaned. "I know you're a cold fish, but I like it a little hot."

"I'd be insulted if I didn't know you loved me just the way I am, Commander."

"Well thank God for that." Rester groaned again. "Could you move your hand? It's in the way."

"And here I thought you liked it like that."

"I like it rough. That doesn't mean I enjoy the palm of your hand pressing on my back."

"You didn't complain last time."

"Last time I was in too much pain to notice."

Gevanni snorted. "Is that a not-so-subtle hint that I should use more oil?"

"Yes." Rester groaned. "Oh yeah. That's much better. Now harder." He moaned loudly.

Halle blinked several times, her brain no longer registering what she was hearing. The sound of a hand smacking oiled flesh echoed through the door. Halle's knees went weak and collapsed under her.

"My turn," Gevanni said.

"But I'm not finished yet!"

"You can finish yourself later. You promised me that it would be my turn in five minutes. Now switch me places."

Halle, driven by the morbid need to look, pushed the door open a little. Gevanni was massaging Rester's back and shoulders. He looked up.

"Can we help you, Halle?"

Halle let out a breath she was holding. "No, I'm good." She let the door close and went to dunk her head in a tub of cold water.

**~oOo~**

Raito reached out and put his hand on the door to the meeting room. He moved to push it open and froze, listening to the noise inside.

"You know," Matsuda said, "I just love it when you tie me down."

Ide sighed loudly. "Keep it down! Do you actually want someone to hear you?"

"It's all part of the thrill of being caught."

"Idiot. Now hold still."

Matsuda moaned. "Oh, yeah! Give it to me!"

Ide grunted. "Am I going to have to gag you? Is that what it's going to take to keep you quiet?"

"Depends on what you gag me with."

"I feel violated."

"So do I," Raito muttered, ignoring Ryuk's laughter behind him. He walked away from the door and back up the stairs to his room, having decided his tiny shred of sanity was worth more than that. He stopped before going inside, hearing Misa.

"It works like this, Motchi. You put your hands right here and do all the work."

Mogi sighed. "Typical. If you don't want to be on top, you don't want to do anything at all, do you?"

"It's not like that! Besides, you could get Monchichi to work on me while I'm working on you."

Raito put his head in his hands. "And they're probably using my desk too."

"If it makes you feel better, you can pretend I'm Raito," Misa said.

"Now they're bringing me into it," the so-called God groaned as Ryuk cackled maniacally. He put his back to the door and leaned on it.

"If you were Raito, you'd be a lot less annoying. And I'd be giving you more than just a hand job."

Raito went red. Taking a deep breath, he gathered his composure. "Might as well get this over with." He pushed open the door and found Mogi rubbing Misa's shoulders.

He frowned at him. "I better be getting a pay raise for this."

Raito groaned. "Why do I have a feeling that this is all a very bad running joke?"

Aizawa shrugged and continued to read the paper.

**~oOo~**

Takada walked into the hotel room, Mikami right on her heels. The reporter stared at the only furnishing the room had: a single, solitary blanket. It promised to be a cold night. Mikami smacked his hands together.

"I guess we're going to have to get cozy tonight!"

Takada shuddered. "Raito is no God." She turned around and went back out into the hall. "Pardon me, but I'm going to stand outside and freeze now."

**~oOo~**

Halle, rather disturbed, walked away from Rester's room and to her own. She froze outside the main room, able to hear a _certain_ voice loud and clear.

"Oh! OH! BEYOND!"

**~oOo~**

Matt sat up straight, and stared wildly about the small room. The fire in the fireplace had died out sometime during his nap and his fast breathing woke up Mello.

"Hey, Matt? What's wrong?"

"Well, first I had this dream that I was Halle and I was listening in on Rester and Gevanni have sex. And then I dreamt I was Raito, standing outside the door of his meeting room while Matsuda and Ide..."

"You don't have to finish that."

"And then I dreamed I was Raito listening to Misa and Mogi on the desk in his room."

"And?"

Matt looked at him. "And what?"

"You can finish that one. Was Misa wearing lacy black undies?"

"He was rubbing her shoulders, dimwit. She's been after Raito's ass forever now. Anyway, then I dreamt I was Takada and I was stuck in a vast icy waste land in a hotel with only one blanket with Mikami."

"Oh dear God..."

"I chose to stand outside and freeze to death."

"Good boy, Matt."

"And then I dreamed I was Halle again and I walked passed the main room in the SPK place, just in time to hear what I swear was L's voice call out Beyond's name."

"Matt? You need therapy." Mello turned over and lay back down. "Besides. You didn't dream the last part. Halle is still in fetal position and shaking against the wall over there."

Matt looked in the corner and witnessed the shell of a woman sucking on her thumb. "But how did she? I mean… No one knew where we were… And L couldn't possibly… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**~oOo~**

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Seiren: I had too much fun with this one. TOO much.**

**Matt: That was completely humiliating… *hides under sofa out of shame***

**Mello: There's more to come, I'm sure.**

**Matt: Nooooooooooooooo… *whines pathetically***

**___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


	14. Trial and Terror

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**Seiren's Note to Readers: Uh oh, it's the return of Nega-Matt. Run for the hills, run for your lives, it's Armageddon! Well, not really. And before you run, please read. Anyway, I wrote this one while listening to techno music. Yeah. Gleam from that what you may.**

****Disclaimer****

**Seiren: Let's see, if I, or any other starry-eyed fangirl or boy, owned Death Note or its characters, let's just say our favorite boys would end up locked in a closet together.**

**Matt: That's a VERY scary thought.**

**Mello: I guess it's a good thing she and the rest of the fans don't own us, then, eh?**

**Matt: Yeah.**

****End Disclaimer****

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~Trial and Terror~**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Enjoy!!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Matt glared at the TV screen, displeased by how obtrusively weak Jr. was being in Xenosaga II. Constantly, the kid was going to yellow and dying, eating up all of the precious Revive items in his inventory! Matt did not see the problem here. The damn enemy was weak against physical attacks, and Jr. was one of the best for physical attacks! A nice three-attack combo would kill it instantly! What was so complicated about that? Especially since this was a relatively weak enemy. Good God, Jr. was at level _74_; he should be fully capable of destroying the enemy without breaking a sweat!

In the middle of muttering a monologue worthy of Kira's standards to his spineless fighter, he almost didn't hear the phone ringing. When he did, he grabbed it a brought it to his ear just a little too quickly. "This is Matt. What do you need me to do for you?"

_"Hello, sir. We've just called to tell you about an opportunity to refinance your home. Mortgage values are lower than they have ever been now, and this is the time for you to purchase a prime vacation home in Miami!"_

A telemarketer. And a more vapid, brainless one than average, by the sound of it. Matt did not need this right now. "Sorry, I'm not interested..."

_"If you take advantage of this offer, you will not have to worry about high prices on your mortgage in a few months." _

"This is an _apartment_, lady..."

_"Well sir, I suggest that you get a house now. Only an idiot wouldn't buy a home now, when prices are so dirt-cheap! How many can I put you down for?" _

"Are you asking me how many _houses_ I want?!"

_"Is that one or two? Perhaps you really want to impress people and go for three?"_

Matt took the receiver away from his ear for a moment to just stare at it. Was this woman really that brainless? That eager to make a sale? He got good money as a top-notch hacker, but he definitely couldn't afford three houses! Nor did he even want_ one_! He preferred his dirt-cheap apartment, thank you very much. "Lady, I want you to take me off your list. I am not interested in anything you could possibly offer me."

_"I'll put you down for two. Now, would you like mansions, ranch-style houses, or condos?" _

"Are you even listening to me? I said, take me off your list!"

_"Mansions, then. I have some prime ones up for sale in New York. Really expensive, but for you they're a bargain!"_

"Look, lady. I've had a really bad day. Now **take me off your damn list**!"

_"Now. Would you also like a vacation package to Miami?" _

Matt gently set the receiver down, and Paused his game. "Mello, I'm going out for a bit!" he called to the blond in the bedroom. "Don't touch my game while I'm gone."

He was out the door before his roommate could even reply. The telemarketer kept chattering for a few minutes, until she asked for a credit card number.

There was no answer from the empty living room.

_"Sir? I need a credit card number."_

No reply.

_"Sir?"_

The silence was total.

_"Sir, don't tell me you'd be stupid enough to not take advantage of this amazing, once-in-a-lifetime deal! Now, I need your credit card number so I can get you your brand new paradi- Oh my God! Who the hell are you?"_

_"I told you to take me off your list, lady. There is a reason my neighbors never piss me off intentionally." _

_"Sir, instead of this, wouldn't it be easier to register a complaint with the front desk?"_

_"Front desk is currently engulfed in flames. As your office is about to be."_

_"What?!"_

_"Present from an ex-Mafioso's best friend."_

There was a roaring, exploding sound over the receiver, a horrified scream, and then silence.

**~oOo~**

The next morning, there was a small article on the second page of the newspaper, detailing how a small building in downtown LA had mysteriously blown up the night before. Nobody had any idea how it occurred, although arson was suspected. But no proof could be found anywhere to support the theory. The only witness was a single woman, who claimed that a goggled man in stripes had broken into her office and planted bombs, using a rope to escape through her window before he pressed the detonator and blew her office up, or more specifically, her telephone.

Her friends were seeking psychological aid for the obviously disturbed woman, the article said. There was, after all, no such evidence to support such a theory, and even if the person were real, he would've been burned alive.

Matt refolded the newspaper with an evil little smirk and looked at Mello, who was bagging some ice for Matt's burned arm. The blond gave him a look. "Just because you're my friend, Matt, doesn't mean you can go around using my store of bombs for your own personal use."

He approached Matt and plunked the bag of ice unforgivingly down on Matt's burn. Matt hissed angrily as he reached for the remote.

"After the first few incidents, you'd think that by now telemarketers would know better than to call this apartment. That's the sixth building I've blown up since you came here."

**~oOo~**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Matt: Why do you continuously like to make me Nega-Matt?!**

**Seiren: It's not MY fault, per se. It's LA. It has that effect on people.**

**Mello & B: *nod nod***

**Seiren: And I… Well, I like evil people.**

**Matt: …**

**Mello: You know… that explains a LOT.**

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


	15. Delete Dot Com

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**Seiren's Note to Readers: Extremely and painfully short. Sorry. And it's a cameo of Steve! Yeah, I know you guys like him. ^^**

****Disclaimer****

Seiren: *violently sneezes and then blows nose*

**Leon: Seiren is sick today, so we've been asked to do the Disclaimer…**

**Mello: *eyes Leon* Who the hell are you? **

**Leon: I'm Leon, dude. From Star Ocean 2.**

**Matt: *passes out from shock***

**Seiren: *coughs* Get…on with… it.**

**Leon: Huh?**

**Mello: Just do the Disclaimer and let the girl sleep. She's been through enough torture already thanks to the Mountain Dew and Frosted Flakes combo.**

**Leon: Um…**

**Seiren: *jumps up and starts to throw random objects at Mello* YOU TOLD ME IT WOULD CALM MY SORE THROAT, YOU!**

**Mello: *running for his life* Somebody make her stop!**

**Leon: *sighs* The authors and authoresses don't own any of us.**

**Seiren: *passes out* **

****End Disclaimer****

**___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Delete Dot Com**

**Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy!!**

**___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~Delete Dot Com~**

"You have 15 new e-mails."

Matt rolled his eyes at the scratchy, monotone voice of his computer and clicked his mailbox icon. "So what do we have today? Something other than useless junk mail for once? Or perhaps a wonderful e-mail from Linda, telling me that I should come back to Wammy's for a visit once in the near future?

"What's this? An offer for a Russian bride? Beautiful beyond all measure? Be still, my beating heart."

Delete.

"Natural male enhancement? Thanks, but no thanks. It's big enough already."

Delete.

"'Old Man in Arizona needs One Million Dollars to Receive Life-saving Surgery?' Oh wonderful! Another fantastic, believable chain letter! Shall I pass it on?"

Delete.

"Free ringtones? And what would that, be, pray tell? That stupid three-note song that plays everytime the Turks come on-screen? I think I'll stick with my own ringtone, thank you very much."

Delete.

"Free sex toys, eh? Why on God's green earth would I need those for?"

Delete.

" 'Check out Mafia Pornography Online!' Ummm... No thanks. I have enough nightmares from Mello's stories as it is."

Delete.

"Free concert tickets to see Linkin Park. Now, if it was Within Temptation, I'd be interested. But Linkin Park? You couldn't pay me to care. And I have to wonder: who convinced them it was cool to spell 'Lincoln' like _that_?"

Delete.

"Hmm... An e-mail from Steve inviting me out on a double date with him, some chick named Christine, and another named Felisha from 2D. Well, this one requires some thought."

Delete.

"Nothing but spam. As usual. Why doesn't my spam filter work? I just installed it last week!"

He picked up the CD case and read it again.

"Developed by Windows Vista. No wonder it's already useless."

The computer _bing!_ed as a new e-mail came in. Matt scrolled up to look at it.

" '5 Days to Bigger Boobs with Program B?' Do I _look_ like a woman?"

Delete.

Another e-mail came in just as that one was deleted. "Mail Jeevas: Your library books have been overdue for three years.' …"

The computer _bing!_ed again as it was ripped from the desk and drop-kicked out the window.

**~oOo~**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Seiren: *grumbling in sleep***

**Mello: *bandaged up***

**Leon: *hiding behind sofa***

**Matt: lol FF7 reference, lol.**

**_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Misseh's A/N: DO YOU GUYZ HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH THIS?! I get so many emails its not even funny. I fear my inbox will explode one day OwO Also, thanks so much to Sieren who continues to be _very _generous with the oneshots she sends in. Sorry it took me so long to post them, I just had some schoolwork to take care of.**

**Mello: I get the feeling Seiren is doing all the writing here. YOU *points at readers* GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND SEND SOMETHING IN.**

**Me: SHUT UP MELLO, YOU'RE SO DEMANDING. You're right, in a way....I haven't posted a one shot of mine lately, so I'll get to it ^^**

**Matt: WHY DO YOU ALL INSIST ON TORTURING ME ;3;**

**Me: *smirk***

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


	16. The Birds and the Bees

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**Seiren's Note: The truth is stranger than fiction… this is actually based on a true story. This is also a FLASHBACK oneshot. In other words, this takes place prior to any Death Note related stuff. Including the LABB murders. It's at the end of December 2001. So that would make Mello 12, Matt 11, Near 10, and L 22. The others are as old as your want them to be.**

**This is through both Mello and Matt's POV.**

****DISCLAIMER****

**Seiren: Hiya guys! I'm back, and I'm all better! ^^**

**Matt: *with bumps on head and cracked goggles* Yeah, she's sane…sort of… again after running around all week with a tennis racket.**

**Mello: *limping* I hate tennis.**

**Seiren: Heheh… I swear I didn't know I hit the ball that hard. Sorry.**

**Beyond: You are also a little late with the oneshot.**

**Seiren: Sorry.**

**Matt: The authors and authoresses in this collab don't own us. Too bad for them.**

****END DISCLAIMER****

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**~B & B~  
(a flashback to Wammy's)**

_December 28, 2001_

Twelve year-old Mello was getting just a little frustrated…

There were so many things that the older orphans said that he didn't understand. Things he had the uncomfortable feeling he should know.

Linda's hysterical laughter when he asked her to clarify something one older girl had said confirmed it more than anything.

So while he was locked in his room, studying and wondering over the damnably irritating innuendos, the others were having a little powwow in the cafeteria.

"L!"

"Yes, Linda?"

Linda held her stomach as she leaned over the side of her chair, laughing hysterically. She raised a shaky finger to point at L as she tried to speak, failing miserably and eventually giving up so she could concentrate on laughing.

"I don't believe this," A deadpanned, a thin bead of sweat sliding slowly down the side of his face as he shifted his incredulous gaze from orphan to orphan. "Mello was never given the erm…the birds and the bees talk?" He blinked. "…Hm, that explains why he always looks so confused when he's being flirted with and why I could never figure out if he knew or what."

"_L!_" B repeated with exasperation. "Didn't you tell me that if I gave Matt and Near _that_ talk you'd do the same for Mello? For God's sake, he's nearing puberty and he **doesn't know what sex is**!"

"Yes, well." L sighed and sipped at some Earl Grey tea. "I never had the time. I had cases to work on, correct? Case after case since I was last here…where was I to find the time to return for that? What did you expect me to do? Take a week off and lose almost every ounce of sanity I have? **No** thank you, B. I will do a lot for my successors, however, that is just pushing it."

"L, even Near knows it doesn't take a week to explain sex," snorted A.

"Well," B started sheepishly, averting his red eyes to stare at the wall. "By the time Mello has exhausted every possible question, it probably would be a week. You know how curious he is."

Linda's laughter increased. "Oh God!" She snorted, laughing harder. "I can imagine the questions." She instantly calmed, a dreamy look curling her lips as her eyes glazed. "We could teach him to many things." She sighed blissfully. "So many things…"

"Your imagination scares me," Matt muttered, standing up without taking his eyes off of his GameBoy Advance.

"Stay right where you are," B ordered. "We have one more thing to discuss." He smiled eerily as every pair of eyes, including Matt's, focused on him. Someone was going to do the job; Mello was too popular in the orphanage to be left so damnably naïve. He was going to be jumped one of these days and it'd be all L's fault. "Which of you three strapping young men are going to have the talk with little Mihael?"

For a moment, nothing happened; everyone sat staring at each other, the strapping young men looking vaguely ill under the expectant gaze of B, and Linda's gleeful smirk. Then B blinked. That's all he did and suddenly he was left with only Linda and Near in the room and the door swinging off its hinges. The artist was laughing hysterically and volunteering her yaoi doujinshi to help teach Mello while Near sat alone in his corner, snickering to his toys.

B scowled, crossing his arms over his chest as he stamped a foot and glowered at the door.

"Those three are _such_ cowards."

**~oOo~**

"_We will not give him the talk." _

"_Right. We'll just protect his innocence. It's the easier option."_

"_**Way**__ easier."_

**~oOo~**

He didn't understand it.

Suddenly he felt like he was reliving part of the year 2000, when he and Matt had planned a great escape to London to catch a Muse concert. When the two of them had come back, B had been pretty protective and Roger had turned incredibly distrusting of strangers. Mello hadn't realized just how a pile of CD's could be deadly weapons until October of 2000 when he made the error of leaving a visitor alone in the playroom after hours.

And now he had A, L, and Matt of all people turning into overprotective figures alongside Roger. B had grown out of it eventually. Something about seeing numbers return to their normal setting or whatever.

Stepping back from the refrigerator in the kitchen and moving to open the first frozen chocolate bar, he sighed as Matt insisted on sticking by his side and escorting him everywhere. A kept sending the orphans away from the pair. L was currently interrogating one boy, about fourteen, who looked ready to cry; for what reason, Mello didn't know. Honestly, all the kid had done was ask whether Mello preferred chocolate chip, or mint-chocolate chip flavored ice cream.

Mello _really _didn't understand it. So he did what he normally did when he was confused.

He waited until their attention was distracted by something else and raced downstairs to sneak over to B's room.

Maybe he could explain all of the weird goings-on.

**~oOo~**

Matt looked up from where he had become embroiled in a Gym Leader battle and frowned when black and yellow didn't meet his eyes. "L…where's Mello?"

"…."

"A?"

"Damn. **Which one of you **_**filthy bastards**_** took our little Mello**!"

"Your little Mello?" came a curious voice. "Is he your love child or something?"

Matt sighed as he grabbed the back of L and A's shirts on his way to the stairs. "Let's just find him instead of hissing and spitting."

**~oOo~**

Near gave a small yelp when he opened his closet door and found Mello huddled in it, clutching a large, stuffed orange dog.

"…What?" Near almost gasped, raising an eyebrow and entwining a finger into his hair.

Mello looked up at his friend-soon-to-be-hated-rival frantically, and hastily made 'shh'ing noises. "Quiet! They'll hear!"

"Who will?" Near whispered, looking around him as Mello grabbed his wrist and tugged him in. He sighed his resignation and sat down beside the blond as he pulled the door closed.

"A, L, and Matt. They've gone crazy. I'm honest-to-God scared."

"You must be. You are _hugging_ an orange dog," Near muttered with a forlorn sigh as the chocoholic tightened his chocolate-covered fingertips on the stuffed dog and pressed himself closer to the wall. "May I have that back? You are getting chocolate all over it."

"No! You can't open the door. It's not safe."

"Well, what are they doing?"

"Well… L was questioning anyone who spoke to me. A kept shooing everyone away from me, which has basically made me the outcast of the month. But the scariest is **Matt**." Mello's blue eyes widened fearfully. "Near, he was _actually paying attention to me_."

"Oh," whispered Near, slumping back against the opposite wall as a shiver ran up his spine. "That…that is quite scary."

"So then I ditched," Mello continued softly. "I was going to B's room to ask him about what's going on, but they tracked me down…and then it got worse. A covered me in a thick blanket when the heater has it at ninety degrees Fahrenheit in here, and L kept scaring off everyone who came close to us-which only brought more kids out-while Matt moved me away from them all. I'm confused," he complained as he dug in one of his pockets and pulled out a semi-melted Hershey's bar and idly began to lick the melted side. "Seriously, what the hell's _wrong_ with them?"

Near blinked, his mind whirling rapidly at the implications. "Oh dear…" he murmured, shifting to his feet. "I have to go. Linda…and B…. Good bye," he managed to say before darting out of his closet, the door quickly snapping shut behind him.

Mello moaned and banged his head against the wall boarding the doorway. "Why, **why** are they all going crazy?"

**~oOo~**

"Cowards."

"What?"

"According to Near, Mello is confused beyond all belief! You've _scared_ him for God's sake! **Will you just give him the talk already**?!" B yelled, his patience long-since expired; throwing his hands up in the air as he spun on his heel and stalked to the library doors. "When I get back from going with Roger to town, _someone_ had better have volunteered to do it!"

"I vote Matt for the job!" Linda squealed, smiling broadly.

"Second it," L muttered from around his fork, raising his hand and dropping it back to the fork lazily.

"Me too." A didn't even glance away from his book, merely raising a hand before lowering it to turn the page as he began to mutter something incomprehensible.

"Same here."

"Near!"

"Think about it, Matt. If you can defeat all of the current Final Fantasies released to the market, you can handle this."

"In all honesty, I'd rather play them all over again."

Near looked up with a glint in his dark violet eyes. "Do it, Matt, or _certain_ photos will find their way into Linda's mischievously evil little paws."

"I'm going!"

**~oOo~**

When the closet door creaked open, Mello had been expecting it to be Near demanding that he let go of his stuffed dog, get out of his closet, and wash his _hands_ already. Instead, he was confronted with Matt staring down at him in surprise, goggled eyes flickering from his face, to the stuffed dog, and back again.

"…are you…hugging an orange dog, Mello?"

Mello grunted as he hurled the dog at Matt, but unfortunately his nail caught on a loose seam in the dog, and as it flew, it ripped apart, causing a white stuffing-eruption which had him coughing. He felt a cheerful satisfaction when he heard his best friend cursing.

At least, until Near walked in, saw the torn animal, put two and two together, and eschewed the two friends from his room, threatening death if they **dared** to go near his closet again.

Looking highly miffed as he picked out small pieces of stuffing from his hair, Matt turned towards Mello and grabbed his hair as the blond tried to sneak off. "We need to talk." Matt coughed as he fidgeted slightly. "Um. Alone."

Mello sighed as he realized that his solitude was over and nodded reluctantly. "My room," he muttered sullenly as he headed down the hallway.

**~oOo~**

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Uh, well…" Matt closed his eyes and swallowed, counting to ten before opening them again, forcing himself to speak. "B…seems to think you…uh, you don't know what sex is."

Mello took a bite from his Godiva bar before he fixed Matt with his blue eyes and a nonchalant shrug. "I don't know what sex is."

Matt face-faulted, absolutely floored by the indifference Mello displayed at his obvious lack of knowledge. Privately, he'd been fervently praying that Mello had known but was merely very, very, _very_ naïve despite that knowledge. "O-kaay." He cleared his throat loudly, looking awkward as he distracted himself with the hem of his striped shirt. "Err… B…also wanted me to explain it," he mumbled, staring down at his fingers unwaveringly. His eyes slowly began to water, so he forced himself to blink, silently reminding himself that Mello needed to know, that it wasn't safe to leave his own best friend that naïve and unawares…and that Near would show those photos if he didn't. Damn little albino.

Mello inclined his head as he held his chocolate bar in one hand, the other lazily thrown over the back of his chair. He gave Matt his full attention, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "Go on."

Matt winced internally. _Naïve,_ he thought, _definitely naïve…_ Which was a little scary; he'd never taken Mello to be naïve. "Right." He coughed, shaking himself from his thoughts. "Um, well, erm…well you know men and women are built differently, right?"

"I did get that impression, yes," replied Mello sardonically, eyeing Matt warily as the redhead blushed and flustered.

"Mels, do me one favor." He drew in a breath as the blond nodded his agreement. "Shut up and don't talk **until** I ask if you have any questions."

Mello frowned, but nodded again, making a small gesture with his hand, telling Matt to continue.

"Thank you," he muttered. _You can do this, Matt. Remember: this is your best friend. He'd hate you forever if you kept this information from him in the future._ He looked at Mello, who was waiting patiently for him to continue the explanation, before staring up at the ceiling. _I never want to do such a damn thing again._

"Okay," Matt inhaled sharply. "Well, that's so that humans can have children, procreate, and that involves sex. Well, people of the same gender can have sex, too; they're just unable to have children in the biological sense."

_Good, Matt, goooood. That's one part over, now to explain the act…fuck._ He blinked as an idea hit him. Metaphor. People used it all the time, didn't they? Why not now? He nodded to himself with a small smile as he settled on what he thought was a good metaphor for the conversation.

"See, sex is like a gun and its holster…the gun goes in the holster," he said with feigned brightness, feeling more than one brain cell commit an atrocious suicide.

Mello frowned and stood up, walking over to where the gun L had given him for his most recent birthday was on his desk, picked it and the holster up, and put the gun into the holster. Looking up at Matt, he sighed tiredly. "I don't get it. Sorry, Matt, but how is that sex? You said it involved people."

Matt leaned forward and started to bang his head on the headboard at the top of the bed, alternating between pained groans and swearing between thumps. Silently, he made a note to kill the others later.

So Matt was reduced to trying the more conventional methods…

The Birds and the Bees~

"Matt, I sincerely doubt that a bee could sting a bird through all those feathers; actually, I think the bird might eat the damn bee before it could try, so how does that one work?"

Matt reacquainted his forehead with the headboard, finding his friend's naiveté just a little too endearing to allow him to punch the blond in good conscience…

The Planting the Seeds and Watering the Garden~ "Why do I get the impression you are screwing with me?"

Matt had to bite back to retort that came to mind and reminded himself that his only means of getting out of this was suicide, and he had no means of carrying that out… well, he could make a lunge for Mello's gun, but that would be a little awkward and he knew Mello would probably kill him himself if he dared to get blood all over his bed.

**The Stork~  
**(admittedly, this one had been a moment of insanity brought out by desperation)

"…. A stork…carries babies? …What have you been smoking, Matt? I may not understand anything about sex, but even _I_ know that one is pure bullshit."

Understandably, by this point, Matt was starting to wonder if maybe this was one big prank designed to drive him insane. Surely there was no way in hell a person could be this naïve. Himself, Near, and Linda weren't ever this naïve for God's sake.

Closing his eyes, he inhaled and exhaled sharply for a few minutes, trying to find that little thread of patience still hiding within him, grasping it tightly when he located it before opening his eyes and looking back at Mello, seeing a pair of mildly bored and completely confused blue eyes staring back at him. He exhaled sharply once more and decided to simply tell the truth, strengthening his resolve as he tried to figure out the best way to explain it.

"Okay, Mello, since you fail to grasp the subtle intricacies of metaphors…" He promptly ignored the scowl thrown at him as he swallowed. "I'm forced to give a graphic description. You fucking owe me. Now seriously: _do not talk until I've finished and __**asked**__ if you have any questions_."

Matt's face was just a little bit scary, so Mello gave his vow of silence.

"Okay…" Matt instantly floundered, raising his eyes heavenward pleadingly. "Aw fuck, do I really have to do this?"

Mello stared.

"Okay, um, well, obviously you and your partner are naked…and…fuck…" _That's technically it_, he thought ruefully. _Too bad Mels doesn't understand._

Mello was still staring, though his eyes had widened fractionally at the 'naked' word.

Matt was starting to see just why L had postponed the talk. Mello had clearly been kept unbelievably sheltered throughout his life as Wammy's. He didn't even know what a yaoi doujinshi was according to a horror-struck Linda. To be honest, Matt was starting to feel like he was showing porn to a toddler. Ugh, bad image.

Maybe he should've gotten drunk before trying to explain.

"Well, um, when the couple are a man and a woman, the man…er, well…he takes his…and kinda puts it in the woman's…oh FUCK! I can't do this!" he groaned, burying his face in his hands. "This is just so wrong on too many levels!"

Mello raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back, watching Matt's little panic. Suddenly, he froze. Blue eyes flickering over to where his gun rested, still holstered, widening to the size of dinner plates, before swinging back to Matt and flickering straight back to the gun. Blood drained from his face.

"HOLY SHIT!"

Halfway across Wammy's, in the library, everyone else looked up from their respective activities in mild surprise.

"Oh, I guess Matt has finally told Mello," B murmured, turning his eyes back to the copy of _Speak_ he'd pulled off a shelf.

"Good boy," praised Linda as she sketched a bird on a tree branch.

"Hope Mello isn't too traumatized," A muttered. "Matt isn't the most tactful genius around."

Matt looked up from where he's fallen off the bed as Mello pointed a shaky finger at him. "Mello?"

"Y-You… what the fuck?!"

Mello was looking at his gun again, looking vaguely sick. _Ah yes, Mello has pieced it together. Good boy_, Matt winced; his inner voice sounded scarily like L at the moment. He shuddered before focusing on the hyperventilating blond in front of him. "Breathe, Mello."

"Couples…they…"

Matt looked up as he picked himself up off the floor. His best friend was looking pretty terrified and had put as much distance between himself and his gun as possible. "Mello?"

"Why would _anyone_ want to put a gun in **there**?!"

Matt yelped as he crashed back down to the floor in shock. Someone hated him up there, didn't they? Surely his karma wasn't _that_ bad for something like this, right? He sighed again, silently cursing fate. "Wrong gun, Mels," he corrected dully, deciding he'd have to be a bit more blunt than he cared to be.

"Huh?"

Matt gestured downwards. "The er…fleshy gun goes **there**."

Mello's pretty blue eyes widened. "You mean the…"

"Yep."

"Goes in the…"

"Yep."

"And that's…"

"Yep."

Mello blinked, before his face was flooded by a hot blush. "O-Oh," he squeaked, before falling silent.

Matt sighed as he stood back up again, his impassive mask finally able to return to his face with that little embarrassment over and done with. He made a mental note to collect the photos and negatives from Near. God knew he'd earned them. "As much as I hate to ask," he said stoically, "are there any questions?"

"What about two men? Or two women? Can they have sex?"

"Yes, but there's no possibility of children."

"Well, how do they do it?"

"Oh God." Matt moaned.

"Matt, seriously, how does that _work_?"

"…you did _not_ just ask me that."

Mello looked bewildered. "What?"

"I don't know the mechanics of lesbian sex, Mello," he told the blond quickly.

"So you know how it works between two guys?"

_To freaking __**hell**__ with this,_ Matt thought viciously, eyeing Mello savagely. One does not put the Game Master Mail Jeevas in this situation. _**Never**_. Not even his best friend.

"…I am not explaining," he said blankly.

Mello didn't look like he was going to relent. "Seriously, how would that _work_?"

"Drop it, Mello."

"No, **seriously**! Guys don't have…that part…so how does it work?"

"…Why are you so damn naïve?" muttered Matt scornfully, indulging in a childish whine as he frowned at his blond friend.

Mello blinked, head tilting to the side just a little as his eyes took on a puppy-like quality in his confusion.

Matt sighed. "Screw this…let's see who is willing to screw you," he decided and began to usher the older blond through Wammy's to the girls' side. "I'm _sure_ L once told us hands on is the best learning experience…"

"Will it explain everything?"

_Too freaking naive. It's a wonder he hasn't been raped yet,_ Matt thought with a sigh. "Yes, Mels. It will explain everything…"

**~oOo~**

_November 16, 2009_

_Yeah, that did explain a lot,_ Mello thought dazedly as he bit his finger unknowingly, having finished his chocolate bar during his little flashback. He shook his hand a bit and then crumpled up the wrapper and tossed it at the already overflowing trash bin in the corner.

But there was still one thing he was curious about, mostly because the girl he had his first time with…

"Hey Matt?"

"Mmhm?"

"I know we agreed to never talk about it again, but…"

"But what, Mello?"

"Just to make sure…sex is predominantly about pleasure and creating babies… and the girl can't get pregnant after the first time…"

Matt hunched figure suddenly went stock-still.

"…right?"

**~oOo~**

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

**Seiren: Kyahahahaha~ Isn't naïve!Mello just so CUTE?!**

**Beyond: You're a nutcase, Seiren.**

**Seiren: Haha, THIS is coming from YOU. *mumbles* But it's so fun to laugh without choking on phlegm now.**

**Beyond: *didn't hear the mumble***

**Seiren: *sighs***

**Matt: *buries face* That was the most embarrassing moment of my life.**

**Mello: *long gone***

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**Misseh's A/N: I have but one thing to say: **

**OHOHOHOOHOHOHOHO, MELLO JR. IS MINE *evil laughter***

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


	17. The Tell Tale Fart

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Me: MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D**

**Mello: It's Halloween, you moron.**

**Me: Actually, it's L's BIRTHDAY, you disrespectful little successor. So don't go correcting ME when you're just as wrong. **

**Matt: Shit, it's Halloween? What the hell am I going to do with all this eggnog, then?!**

**Mello: *cough* Um I'll be taking that, thank you very much.**

**Me: OH NO YOU'RE NOT. Nobody here's getting drunk on the job.**

**Mello and Matt: WHAT JOB?!**

**Me: THE DISCLAIMER. GET TO IT.**

**Matt: *sigh* Misseh does not own Death Note or its characters. This fic was inspired by Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart", which she also does not own. **

**Mello: If it's Halloween, WHERE THE HELL IS MY GODDAMNED FREE CHOCOLATE?!**

**Me: *twirls in circles* Free candy for all my wonderful readers/reviewers!**

**Matt: YEY!**

**Me: NONE FOR YOU.**

**Matt: *pouts*  
**

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**The Tell Tale Fart**

**Original Author: MissehKeehl (Me!)**

**_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**

Those eyes. Those _hideous _eyes. The way they would nearly bulge out from his head; they were always watching, always observing, always _judging. _Those black, emotionless pools for pupils could pierce right through you, to your very soul. Everyone loved our dear genius predecessor, but those eyes vexed me to the ends of this earth.

"Trick or Treat!" dozens of children cried, holding out bags of candy in front of them eagerly. Those eyes flickered with a flash of joy as they peeked into each bag. L, the great detective's birthday just so happened to fall upon the sweetest day of the year: Halloween. However, it was today that I planned to carry out the darkest deed fit for a monstrous Hollow's Eve night.

"Matt, snap out of it," Mello barked, pulling me out of my train of thought. "You keep staring at L, and it's freaking me out."

"Hush, dearest companion. I am plotting."

"…._Dah fuh _did you just say?!"

"Mero-kun, silence! 'Tis a time in which my ears must hear but the silence of a blissful fall afternoon."

"First you start talking in old English, and now you're using Japanese addresses. Speak like a normal person!"

"_Cállate_!"

"….Whatever, crazy," he mumbled, walking off in frustration. Poor, clueless Mello…

L tilted his head sideways, showing a slight smile as he stuck a multicolored lollipop in his mouth. Children gathered around as they tossed ribbons around his crouched form, placing a party hat on his head. I scowled slightly, rubbing my hands together in contemplation as I slowly faded into the darkness.

Mello watched me with wide eyes, chocolate hanging out of his mouth with utter confusion as his only expression.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

My plan was impeccable. There were no flaws, no possible loopholes. Nothing could go wrong….and nothing did.

I found myself laughing uncontrollably as I made my way to L's room, glancing behind me every now and then to be sure I was not being followed. Once outside the door, I slowly…._extremely _cautiously opened the door just enough for me to peek in. I saw him there, sitting in his usual position on his bed; staring off aimlessly into space. Though he looked innocent, I know; I just _knew _he was thinking about me.

With a sudden burst of energy, I rushed into the room, flailing my arms wildely.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"….Whut."

Those were to be the last words ever to be uttered by high-and-mighty L. Moving rather stealthily, I tossed a pillow (my weapon) onto the shocked detective's face, sending him flying backwards onto the bed. I leapt into the air and landed on the pillow, a smirk of triumph plastered onto my expression.

"I AM SITTING ON YOUR HEAAAAAD!" I yelled in triumph. L twitched beneath me; once, twice, and then stillness. I knew then that he was dead.

"I won!" I shrieked in triumph, jumping off the limp body and yanking it to the floor. Suddenly, I heard a small groan, and then a loud _pwursh _of air erupt from the man's posterior.

"…That's disgusting," I grimaced, holding my breath against the smell. "I suppose that's what you get for eating too much candy on Halloween, foolish L."

Shrugging the gassy interruption off, I began to lift up the floorboards and make an adequate burial space for my trophy of succeeding against those cursed Eyes.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

Two knocks I heard on the door; one light, the follow-up loud and rough. Immediately I recognized it to be Mello, and panic rose within me. Setting the floorboards down, I made sure the body was hidden well before I ran up to welcome in my unexpected visitor.

"Why, Mello, how delightful of you to drop by! Has your Halloween been pleasant? Did you horde enough chocolate for your liking?"

Mello twitched as he eyed me warily, his lips pursing distastefully. "You're making me worry, Matt. Speak regularly, man, and not like some 40 year-old Englishman."

"Mero-kun, who need not burden yourself with concern over—"

"Matt, if you don't start talking right, _ah will cut joo."_

I smiled with satisfaction at his threat, grabbing a nearby chair and placing it just over the floorboards where the remains where hidden.

_Poot…Poot…_

I jumped a little at the sound I heard, staring down at the wooden floor as though it had just melted beneath me. The sound was ungodly, and by the look on Mello's face, I was the only one who heard it. Regaining my composure, I cleared my throat and motioned towards the chair. "Please, have a seat!"

"How do I know it's not set to blow up?"

"And just where would a thirteen year-old orphan boy get access to such technology?"

Mello shrugged his shoulders, kicking the chair aside as he opened a brand new chocolate bar. Besides the crumpling of the wrapper, another sound was becoming more and more apparent.

_Poot…Poot…Poot…Poot…Poot…_

I yanked at my shirt collar nervously. He could hear it, couldn't he? He just wasn't letting me know. He was _mocking _me; letting me sit like a pot on a stove until I boiled over. He was _amused _by my writhing, wasn't he? _I know it! I know it! I KNOW IT!_

"S-So, Mello, is there anythi—"

_Poot…Poot…Poot…_

"….Is there something that you…"

_Poot, Poot, Poot, Poot, Poot…_

"Was there a question y-you came here to ask…?"

_POOT, POOT, POOT, POOT, POOT…_

That terrible noise! It was like a beat, always playing and getting louder, louder, LOUDER. I can't…I can't…it's _unbearable!_

…….._Fart._

"_Dear God! My will cannot withstand such torture! Behold, beneath these floorboards lies the evidence of my sin!"_

"W-Wait, what?"

"Just lift the damn floorboards, dumbass."

Upon lifting up the boards, Mello's eyes grew wide as he saw the body that lay there. After a few moments, he laughed.

"Aw, nothing a little duck tape won't fix!"

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

Matt yelped as he sat up in bed in a cold sweat, panting heavily from images and remnants from his nightmare. He looked under his bed hastily, tapping his hands on the floorboards.

"MATT, GO BACK TO SLEEP," Mello yelled from the opposite room. After one final glance around his empty room, the redhead snuggled back under the covers, about to drift off…

"_Yes, Matt, go back to sleep," _a voice whispered in his ear.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: **

**Me, Mello, Matt, L: Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good fright!  
**


End file.
